UPDATE: Everything you know is a lie…like everything. You’re dog Barry is probably a large gerbil, you don’t actually like pizza bites and you probably need glasses even if you have 20/20 vision, shit one! Seriously though how have we been fooled so easily? I’m so embarrassed but Trump has clarified it all so don’t worry. If you too have been victim to false sight, hearing and common sense too then we are here to help sort out the confusion!

So we all know Trump had his inauguration this Monday and unfortunately we were all wrong, very wrong. Thankfully Trump corrects our mistakes and sets the records straight with all the accurate alternative facts. For instance, many of you reading this will probably have been thinking that the inauguration actually took place last Friday, well you’re wrong, according to new Trump Truth, it took place on Monday All I can say is we are so lucky our education and common sense won’t be getting in the way anymore!

So we THOUGHT the audience was low in attendance but no it was actually “the biggest event that ever happened in history” said attendee Billy-Ray, obviously no one in the world would consider missing the day of celebrating the greatest, most honourable, generous, well groomed, considerate, generous, greatest, considerate, most honourable man that ever existed and will ever exist. With those statistics obviously something went wrong on our side.

First we had reports come in from NASA early this morning that determined Trump was right Mercury was in retrograde. We can only imagine what that did for his confidence but luckily it didn’t keep his spirits down for long.

Then we can confirm in relation to all photographic evidence… it was that the cameras were broken, all cameras, in fact CNN have reported their faithful Canon 7D Mark II had dodgy focus that day, typical!  Trump also mentioned the lighting from the sky was off and cast shadows over the millions that were in fact attending making them hard to see.

One attendee, Mary O’Toole, said she was disappointed she wasn’t seen in the newspapers because she wore all white which blended into the floor, she was mortified at the local bingo meetup after telling everyone she was going. We heard the KKK also had this issue.

Another issue was the entire floor was wet from the drops of pre-speech rain which disgruntled the Tim McGraw 1999 Tour fan group who clarified, “our Moonshine Spirit Distressed cowboy boots kept slipping during the intermission so we had to stand on the grass behind the trees”. McGraw has since tweeted in respect for the loss of his endearing troops appearance and will consider promoting crocodile wellies in future.

We talked to the Florida Cross Fit Felines who admitted they were at the inauguration but realised it was their cheat day and needed to get to Five Guys before the crowds, but since said they would organize a run from for Trump in the coming months.

So as you can see from our credible sources the internet and everyone were wrong and we extend our sincere apologies to Trump and all his faithful companions and we should never consider lying about the truth again and never will post false images online unless approved, never lie about the almighty and stop being rude and inconsiderate to the man who did not judge us individually.


Tara O’Connell