By Killian O’Boyle

In a startling turn of events, independent candidate Patrick McJohnson has seen a massive surge in popularity after promising to bring the price of Freddo bars back down to 20c, a price point that hasn’t existed for anything since the early 2000s. McJohnson’s promise has seen him skyrocket to the top of polls, with many predicting that he will win every single seat within government, granting him the ability to play an elaborate game of musical chairs within the Dáil.

Other claims that have proven popular from the candidate include bringing down the price of a McDonalds double cheeseburger from 3 euros back to the pre-pandemic price of 2 euros. McDonalds, for those of you who don’t know, is a kind of communal watering-hole for single mothers to feed their young. The promise to bring back prices to pre-pandemic levels has garnered him support from this vocal majority. “If he can fix the McFlurry machine I’d vote him for president” stated one mother before yelling at a staff member for 5 minutes.

McJohnson has also come under the scrutiny of the electoral watchdog after claiming that he would give away free money if he was elected. The Electoral Commission claims that this could be construed as a bribe, but McJohnson rejects those claims. “It’s not a bribe” claimed McJohnson in an exclusive interview with “A bribe is when you directly hand someone money. My plan is to throw money off the roof of the GPO and whoever catches it gets it. It’s totally random who picks up the money so technically it’s not a bribe.” Aside from the bribery accusations, many of McJohnson’s opponents are sceptical of how the candidate is going to bring down the prices, especially considering he is running for a local council seat and not a seat within the European parliament. “How am I going to bring the prices back down? Well, uh, it’s a surprise. You need to vote for me first and then I’ll announce how I’m going to do it after I’ve been elected.”