Taoiseach Enda Kenny congratulated Mr. Trump yesterday on his Presidential Election via the Green Phone: Ireland’s direct hotline to the White House.

A source inside the minister’s cabinet has leaked details of the conversation to Oxygen.ie in which Mr. Kenny berated Mr.Trump on how he gets his hairstyle looking so realistic. Hairstyle policies and future hair relations for the upcoming season between the two countries were discussed in depth by the political leaders, “Is the future plan to go for the Rooney or will you stick with your current comb-over style?” questioned An Taoiseach.

There are increasing concerns over Mr. Kenny‘s ability to lead Ireland, as public support decreases with every centimetre his hairline recedes. Kenny has been quoted as saying that his receding hairline is “the worst recession, this country has faced in the last 50 years”. In the call to Mr. Trump, he is reported to have interrogated the President-Elect over his comb-over strategy, comparing styles as well as seeking tips to help hide his own diminishing follicular potency. Mr. Trump reassured the Taoiseach about the virtues of the comb-over, recommending tips and products, saying to our poll dropping leader that, “the comb-over stays. Comb-overs are great. Let’s make comb-overs great again!”

Trump Kenny Graph

A graph compiled by an independent polling company showing the decline in Mr. Kenny’s support as his hairline recedes.

Mr. Kenny’s previous remarks, denouncing Trump as a racist and a bigot ,were swept under the ruffled rug of every European political leader this evening and neither acknowledged it during the ten minute phone call. In fact, leaked information alleges that, “Enda was bricking it. He was terrified of calling him at all after everything he’d said prior to Trump’s election, especially considering he was phoning primarily for hair advice. Mr. Kenny sat sucking his thumb for half an hour before his Mrs. said she’d phone Melanie Trump to defrost the cold war. Plus Enda’s dinner was getting cold and its not the type of dinner you could reheat, this had to be resolved quickly,” stated the anonymous source.

Both parties are to assemble at Trump’s golf course in February 2017 where it is said that, “Enda will have to piggy back Trump around the golf course, as part of the Good Wednesday Agreement settled by Mrs. Kenny and Mrs. Trump.”

The nation awaits to see will the reliable honest Enda Kenny stand by his words. Will he piggy back Donald Trump and most importantly for the nation, will he sport that magnificent comb over?

Eoghan Danaher