Enda Kenny, like a man who has accidentally walked in on his parents making sweet, elderly love, has made a swift U-turn. Mr. Kenny, part-leader of the Irish Republic part-living personification of a scare-crow, has, in light of recent personal events, announced a dramatic shift in his attitudes towards legislation for abortion.

It was announced late last week that the Taoiseach had been informed, after undergoing medical tests, that he was carrying a food baby. A Dáil insider stated that it was most likely to have been conceived during one of Mr. Kenny’s frequent binges in the Dáil canteen.

He gorges.” said our source in the Dáil, “Whenever he’s having a stressful day, he heads straight for the canteen. In that kind of mood, the man is terrifying, I’ve seen him polish off three whole lasagnas and a tiramisu all on the impressive side of 30 seconds. We all try to get out of the firing line when he gets going, there’s debris flying everywhere, I know some TDs have even started wearing anoraks to lunch just in case”. Michael Noonan was approached for comment and said, “There are feral, half-starved bears in Chinese circuses with better table manners than that man”.

However last week, after one such binge the Taoiseach noticed significant abdominal bloating, and was informed by his medical staff that he was expecting a food baby. Despite his initial joy, reportedly even deciding on names- ‘Enda 2’ if it was a boy and ‘Endette’ or ‘Womenda’ if it was a girl- he soon experienced complications.

Repeal 8th

Enda Kenny being informed that he is with food baby.

The wiry Mayo man became wracked with severe stomach cramps and, after seeking help from his personal physician, discovered that he was disastrously constipated. The Taoiseach apparently then asked for medical assistance to help remove the blockage that was causing him such pain. However his physician refused to provide him with laxatives to abort the food baby, stating that he ought to have considered the consequences before indulging himself in such a manner and that he would have to allow things to follow the natural course, despite the dangerous complications.

On early Thursday morning, Mr. Kenny boarded a plane to England to seek the medical help that had been denied to him in his homeland. While there, he was able to safely and discreetly resolve the problem in a secure and professional environment; instead of with some Vaseline and the handle of a ladle, as had been advised to him on the internet message boards he’d resorted to seeking advice from.

In a press conference early this Monday morning a visibly harrowed, though relieved, Mr. Kenny stated, “It was one of the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but what was important that it was my decision. Although, it’s a decision that as an Irish citizen I should be allowed to exercise; have recognised and act on, here, in Ireland. In light of all this, I’ve begun to reconsider a lot of, perhaps outdated, opinions I previously held.”

When asked if he had attended the march on Saturday organised by the Repeal movement seeking a referendum on the 8th Amendment Mr. Kenny replied, “What? Are you kidding!? I’d eaten 5 chicken baltis, an entire salmon and about a kilo of flan, after shifting all that I could barely walk, let alone march”.

Rory McNab