Fresh faced and buzzing after his Leaving Cert results, new college student and purchaser of condoms Mike Stern has already begun preparations for college life. Stern, 18, will be attending NUIG studying a course with a very high drop out rate, Computer Science. However, Stern isn’t concerned about the difficulties of his course, stating “If I can get through Honours Maths in the Leavin’ (Certificate) I can get through anything”. He goes on to say “Sure I’m not going to college for the degree anyway. Just going to have the craic y’know? Drugs and girls y’know it’s what college is all about.”

Buying a 24 pack of condoms was the first thing Mr. Stern did when he got his leaving cert results. He insists he’s going to need them “I’ve heard college girls are savage horny. If you ever watch them films like American Pie you’ll know what college is really about and what happens. Guaranteed the ride every night out.”

Mr. Stern predicts he will need protection for every night out and a few spare just in case “a girl has problems in her dorm with her washing machine or something and needs a man to fix it, that always leads to sex after. I’ve seen it all happen before on the internet”.

We wish Mr. Stern a safe and not too disappointing college experience.

Patrick McKiernan