Christmas is coming, and we’re all dreading the same thing.
No, it’s not the fear that comes after the prolonged sesh, sure a bit of an aul fry can cure us of that.
The real dread is those prying questions from relatives about when you’re going to go and get yourself a bae. And while you can probably mumble your way out of the questions – admit it, you would like someone to at least buy you a bag of chips on a Saturday night.
And here’s how you can do it:
A Good Healthy Blast of Tinder
Christmas is coming, and baes be getting lonely. Strike while you can. Ask a friend to help edit your bio to something that will reflect your current needs. Here is an example of one I wrote for an, eh-hem, friend:
“Looking for a kind, down-to-earth spirit who seeks fun, adventure and chips. Must love to laugh, curry cheese chips, and also be free Saturday nights from 11pm on wards at the latest!”
Give yourself the best shot by trying 3nder, the threesome-finding app. Two people means a better chance of one of them being up for a bag of chips.
Tell Your Ex You Still Love Him
It’s a love story as old as time itself: You swore you’d never get back together with your ex, but you’re dyin for a bag of chips. Shoot a text to your most recent ex and tell him you still love him. Ask him if you two can talk over your past over, say, a bag of chips. Afterwards, tell him you think ye are probably better off staying apart. Until, of course, you need chips again.
Work the Corner
Admit it, you’ve tried this before. Not only is it’s success rate pretty high, but its as easy as chips! Simply locate yourself on that corner of the street (coincidentally the same corner the chipper is located on), and work your magic. The key is to pick a sad, lonely, drunk chip buying bae, and pounce.
It shouldn’t be hard, but I’d recommend flicking your hair about the place to put a bae under your spell. Sure, isn’t that what peacocks do with their wings when they want a few chips?!
Open a Joint Bank Account
If you can only find a new boyfriend who isn’t into the chips scene on such short notice don’t worry! Just make sure to open a joint bank account with him immediately, and then use those funds to pay for chips. Sure, why not go all out and get garlic chips? Or taco chips? Or curry chips? Or chips to dip in icecream? The possibilities are endless. Just make sure to get onto it before the banks close for Christmas.
It’s a race against the clock, so put yourself out there. With some hard work and dedication to chips, you’ll get there. Now, go on and run off those chips – you dirty yoke.