With the college year quickly coming to an end, The Spanner looks at some of your most frequently asked questions from young adults struggling to come to terms with grown up living, in the first of our ‘Spanner Life Lessons‘ series.
Q: In recent months, I nearly always bring a reusable shopping bag to Tesco to effectively store my groceries, while also being economically and environmentally friendly. Does this mean I have successfully transitioned from youth to adult?
A: Yes. Being able to whip out that hemp ‘bag for life’ unashamedly means that you have graduated from the University of Life with a degree in ‘Being Mature AF.’ Congratulations.
Q: If I cook meat from frozen, will I die?
A: Idk, Google it.
Q: I feel triumphant when I remember to buy toilet roll before we completely run out. Is this normal?
A: Of course, remembering stuff is HARD, especially when it’s something boring and essential like toilet paper/milk/washing up liquid. Bonus adult points.
Q: In school, I learned loads of critical information such as Pythagoras’ Theorem and how to calculate the area of a cylinder, but somehow none of this has ever come in handy in my every day life. Will I ever get to show off my sick Project Maths skills?
A: Sorry to break this to you… But no.
Q: I’m switching job soon, and I keep hearing loads about something called a P45. What is a P45? How do I get a P45?
A: A P45 is a satanic piece of paper with all of your tax information on it. You get one upon leaving a job, and because it takes SO FRICKIN’ LONG to receive, you are subject to a torture described as ’emergency tax’ (meaning they tax the sh*t out of your wages so you have to sell your body in order to live) when you begin your next job. Here is how to get a P45 in two simple steps:
- Have a séance and summon Satan.
- Ask for P45.
Q: I forgot to turn the immersion off overnight. What should I do?
A: Flee the country. Get out before the ESB hunt you down and charge you €4,000 and your first born child’s left kidney for this grave mistake.
Q: I often say ‘good drying out today, isn’t there?’ in order to fit in with other adults. But what constitutes as ‘good drying’?
A: A sunny day that has ample wind, in which you can get up to four loads of laundry dry if you arise at approximately 5am. It probably isn’t applicable to an amateur adult though, whose main source of airing laundry is throwing stuff over the clothes horse in the hope that they will dry before you run out of fresh underwear.
Q: I took out a loan in order to move out of home permanently. Will watching fifty quid mysteriously vanish from my bank account every week ever get any easier?
A: They say time can heal anything… But I’m afraid nothing can heal that kind of emotional trauma.
Q: Whenever I have to make an important phone-call (concerning bills, appointments etc.), I get the sudden urge to poo myself. Is this a common occurrence?
A: Yes, this is completely normal. Luckily, there is an easy remedy: get your mom to do it.
Q: I went shopping yesterday and spent more money on household goods than any other item (candles, fairy lights, novelty socks). What does this mean?
A: It means that your taste is maturing. Instead of spending money on fun items you don’t need, you are now spending money on boring items you also don’t need. High five, brah.
Q: I have been living in my apartment for two months and I have yet to invest in bowls. How much of a necessity ARE bowls, anyway?
A: Bowls, often misspelled as ‘bowels’, are generally a kitchen staple. They have many purposes, such as holding cereal when you can’t be arsed cooking. What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that mugs are a part of the bowl family and can perform many functions that the coveted bowl can. I hope this information helps.
Q: At what age should I store a sewing kit in an empty Roses box?
A: NEVER. Those kind of people destroy the hopes and dreams of others, and are proven to be the number one cause of trust issues among Irish people.