Due to mounting pressure from American citizens sickened by ongoing gun massacres, the National Rifle Association has chosen to arm toddlers with nuclear warheads to prove Islamic terrorism is the real threat. It is considered a drastic decision by a deluded institution with the blood of thousands on its hands. I sat down with Chuck Pearson a member of the NRA to discuss, and try and excavate some sense of logic in, the move.
“It’s rather simple” he began, “We’ve upped the ante but the logic is the same, solid as ever. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Therefore, through logical deduction, nuclear weapons don’t kill people either.”
I quizzed him on whether his mind could be changed by the growing amount of statistical evidence which showed that countries who limit access to guns experience less gun crime, showing that guns play at least a supporting role in gun massacres. In response, he merely shook his scaly wattle in defiance and reiterated his stance, “it’s always people who kill people, specifically nutjobs and funny looking ones from countries with funny names.”
“The problem is all the- what’s the PC term? The ‘less-white’ people. Sometimes commies and gays though. Bloody gays, takin’ our jobs and stealing our women.” I told him his insinuation about gay people made no sense. “Gays? Oh sorry I think I meant Mexicans… or Muslims?” He then briefly excused himself to text a friend to see which minority was supposed to be the subject of his ire this week.
I asked for his opinion on the recent atrocity in Orlando, given that the LGBTQ community recognise this as the worst hate crime against homosexual people since the Holocaust, a view being played down by mainstream media.
“Look you cheeky little Earthling, the guy who shot up the Orlando nightclub was ethnic enough that we can paint him as an evil Muslim terrorist, so we’re just going to roll with that and paint over the intellectual nuance of the situation. That’s how politics works baby. Don’t shoot the messenger… Unless the messenger is a suspected terrorist, in which case that’s fine.”
He was eager to speak further on how the nuclear weapons experiment would be conducted.
“We’ve had a great response. Nukes are flying off the shelves in all our stores. People recognise the value of the experiment and have been keen to help distribute the warheads to their children. We’ve just told them to place the warheads around their living rooms and leave the tots at it. See what happens. Which will be nothing of course.”
When I enquired as to whether they’d considered what would happen if one accidentally went off and vaporised a city, Mr. Pearson replied, “We’ll just blame it on irresponsible nuke ownership and Muslims hating the west or something. Same shit as ever.” I pointed out that it was almost guaranteed to happen given children’s proclivities for pushing big red buttons.
“Don’t worry,” he said, “I’ve played Fallout 4, I know how to deal with a little radiation. But we can’t forget the real danger is those Islamical folk with all their shootings.” I pointed out that the majority of mass shootings in America are carried out by people born and raised in America. He responded by allowing brain fluid to haemorrhage from his ears as he twitched on the pavement, mouthing the words “Drumpf is love, Drumpf is life.”
Chuck Pearson thus ended the interview, dusted himself off and dragged his burlap sack full of light fire-arms across the tarmac as he walked back to his waiting limousine, one polished with the tears of grieving mothers.
With half of the nation’s nuclear arsenal already made available to children the experiment is expected to conclude with the death of western civilisation sometime around August, robbing Donald Drumpf of the opportunity.