Beach corpse ‘part of the plan’ says Olympics head

There were further organisational headaches today for the ‘Organising Committee for the Rio Olympics’ today after yet more problems were found with one of their sports facilities. Those problems came in the shape of a body, or at least, what was once the shape of a body, as a mutilated corpse was found washed up just several metres away from the stretch of sand where the beach volleyballers will be plying their needlessly provocative trade.

While the build up to the games has been marred by innumerable controversies, this may prove to be the most damaging. Sidney Levy, CEO of the ‘Organising Committee for the Rio Olympics’ organising committee, was approached for comment by the reporter that discovered the body while out for an early morning stroll.

Upon seeing the body the horrified reporter walked up to Mr. Levy, who was hunched over the dismembered corpse, and asked him why he was trying to bury a body in the sand. A flustered Mr. Levy dropped his bucket and spade, before admitting that he was hoping to hide it before it was discovered, admitting that the reputation of the Rio Olympics was already in tatters before the games had even begun.

Mr. Levy however quickly regained his composure, stating, “this bloodied, mutilated corpse is actually supposed to be here. We’ve been discussing possible ways of livening up the games… [Mr. Levy is noted to have at this point glanced down at the rotting husk of man-meat at his feet]… for the majority of people at least. The world shouldn’t grind to a halt every time you find a disembowelled cadaver washed up on a beach volleyball court.”

“Look,” continued Mr. Levy growing in confidence, “crime is a reality in this world, and unfortunately for us, particularly so in the part of the world that is Rio de Janeiro. So why not embrace that? It’ll only add to the competitive element of the games, to the drama, if as they’re hopping about volleyballing, they occasionally have to, not just bat away the ball, but heave a lifeless body back into the sea… Or maybe even just play around the corpse, like an obstacle, ya know like a bunker in golf.”

Clearly realising that his tenure as CEO of the organising committee may soon come to an end in the wake of the inevitable scandal, he redoubled his efforts to spin the corpse’s presence as intentional. “Actually, it’s something we’ve been planning for all of the sports. To have a greater degree of integrated crime. Like in golf, we’ve changed the rules so that, aside from trying to do all the usual golf stuff, between shots the players will have to fend off their caddies who’ll be trying to bludgeon them with their own clubs.”

golf attack
An unskilled artist’s impression of Sidney Levy’s proposed new rules for golf at the Rio Olympics.

“See, we’re going to turn this round. This won’t be like any of the other scandals that have made people wonder whether our we’re called the ‘Organising Committee for the Rio Olympics’ ironically. We can organise things. We’ve planned to embrace the local culture of crime, we’ll overcome this hurdle, they’ll- Hurdles! Right, it’ll be hurdles and, and… tax evasion. They’ll be running from their accountants who’ve noticed some inconsistencies in their tax returns… And umm, boxing- well that’s essentially culturally acceptable GBH, leave that as is… We can reroute all the athletics races so they’re through dangerous Favelas? Really give them a reason to run.”

At this point the local police arrived to remove the mutilated corpse and the reporter stopped recording the rambling Mr. Levy as he outlined how all the Russian athletes accused of doping would have to haggle for, buy and inject their drugs live during their respective events.

The Rio Olympics takes place in Rio de Janeiro between the 5-21 August 2016.

Rory McNab

Comments

comments

Recommended Articles