Nintendo retires after selling entire catalogue, agrees to release vaccine shortly

Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa announced in a press conference held this morning, that the video game company will dissolve after sales of their products surpassed expectations for the not only the year, “but the projected revenue we saw up until the fall of civilisation as a whole.”

Thanking fans for the continued support in Nintendo, Furukawa said that everyone can have a little bit of vaccine for the coronavirus “as a treat. If you go outside, take two steps forward, two steps back, one step left, one step right, one step left again, one step right again, punch the air, jump into the air and pause, a copy of Nintendo’s patented COVID19 vaccine will be airdropped to you.”

The announcement came as the last Nintendo warehouse was closed due to all the stock being sold and delivered, with demand increasing in the past few months due to the implementation of social distancing measures.  

As for the future of the workers, Furukawa noted “our staff have been let go with sizeable redundancies packages and given exemplary references for their continued hard work during these unprecedented times. It’s the least we could for them, I mean what kind of monsters would wilfully subject their staff to inhumane conditions, working in massive warehouses with little to no access to basic requirements.”

In other business news, Amazon stocks took a hit today in the market, falling 3 whole points. CEO Jeff Bezos was unavailable for comment at the time of publication as he was “cleaning out his gun collection and looking at maps of deserted islands,” according to his personal butler.

Closing the conference, Furukawa took a moment to look back on the most recent successes in Nintendo’s gaming history, such as Animal Crossing and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. “It was brave decision to move to non-linear gaming and let people decide how they play the game…which is why I’m sure they’ll be excited to know our plans to upload their consciousness into the collective hivemind that is the Nintendo-sphere (patent pending). This will be the final level of humanity. We will unlock God mode.”

Speaking to unnamed officials after the conference, many remain dubious if they will develop the technology before the fall of society scheduled for the 2nd August 2020, and if Furukawa has in fact “seen a few too many bad sci-fi films.”

Image credit: Needpix.com

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