March For Science To Be Followed by “2 + 2 = 4” March

March For Science

Last week, scientists around the world took to the streets to remind their governments that knowing stuff is in fact a generally positive thing. As common sense and rational judgement no longer have a place in the highest offices of government, the public have taken their representatives’ education into their own hands in the form of mass protests.

Considering that those currently in power needed reminding that basing decisions on facts is a good idea, the best course of action is to begin teaching world leaders at a Junior Infants level, and working up from there. Therefore the next protest march will cover the basics of arithmetic, starting with “2 + 2 = 4”.

Recent events have revealed disturbing gaps in our leaders’ maths abilities. For example, Theresa May still gets confused between the numbers 2017 and 2020; American Congress believes that 46% counts as a majority: and the Irish government thinks 99 people are enough to represent the views of 4.7 million citizens.

Historians estimate that politician’s mistrust of information that most learn as children is rooted in the Cold War. When cartoon characters like Barney the Dinosaur coined phrases such as “Sharing is Caring”, the American administration took this for communist propaganda, and began to block out the obvious truths that most people learn as children. The situation steadily worsened until the present day, when a man who thinks that concentration camps were called “Holocaust centres” has become the White House press secretary.

If the maths march goes well, subsequent lessons will include history (to teach Enda Kenny what happened the last time the Sisters of Charity were left in charge of maternity care), geography (so Trump can learn that Syria and Iraq are different countries), and basic economics (for the benefit of the UK’s entire “Leave” campaign). It’s hoped that the educational marches will bring the world’s politicians up to the standard of the average six-year-old, though many consider that this goal to be overly optimistic.

Orla Keaveney

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