A man in Stillorgan, Co. Dublin, has managed to kill a mouse that had been “parading around his kitchen in a very arrogant fashion”, claims multiple reports.

Sean McAuley reportedly had a mouse problem in his kitchen for a whole two days before he said ‘enough is enough’. At a self organised press conference consisting of this reporter, his roommate and his mother, Sean addressed questions about his heroics.

“Well, some say I am a hero, but I don’t like to brag about such things” said Sean as he flicked his new superhero cape behind his back.

“It all started when I opened up the bread bin and saw the bastard chowing down on my Brennans sliced pan” he recalled as tears began to form in his eyes.

When asked why he didn’t kill the mouse there and then, Sean seemed to mumble something nonsensical until his roommate piped up and said “Once I heard the incredibly high pitched screams coming from downstairs, I ran down and saw Sean standing on a chair while crying…”

“Yes thank you Michelle” Sean abruptly cut in. “As I was saying, over the next few days I began to plot my revenge”.

“I dressed up in all my camouflage gear and my helmet that I had when I played minor hurling” he continued, as this reporter realised he wasn’t getting paid enough for the absolute shite that he is made put up with in this job.

“I walked into the kitchen and roared ‘bring it on you feral beast’ and then I saw him, standing on his hind legs, looking at me as if to say ‘bring it on’.

What occurred next was apparently the most violent battle since D-Day. “I am dealing with the PTSD quite well I think” said Sean ” I still get nightmares about it sometimes, but they are beginning to become less frequent”

When his mother asked how does he deal with his newfound fame after his heroic acts, Sean said ” I just take it day by day, when you have great power like me, you must be responsible with it”.

When asked will he continue to fight against mice in the future , Sean said ” I don’t know, probably, it was a life changing experience, so I might relax on the mouse fighting for a while”

After the press conference, This reporter was given an anonymous tip (by someone who sounded suspiciously like his roommate Michelle) that Seans story was ‘completely untrue’ and ‘ he used a mouse trap and didn’t step foot into the kitchen for 3 weeks’.

John McAuliffe