Young white men, tired of twerking and making ironic gang-signs, are taking to the streets in droves, exercising a new trend in what is being called the worst example of black cultural appropriation since the birth of Vanilla Ice.

Last night in the American city of Lowell, Michigan two college students in their early 20s were fatally shot by police. Officer Wakefield and Fisk initially arrived on scene after public reports of ‘excessive dabbing’ were brought to police attention.

When the two students were asked to stop by police, the soon to be victims replied, “Dabbing is a natural occurrence across all ethnicities, with each dab I am fully aware of the systematic oppression and uneven power dynamic that govern the U.S”

Immediate shots were fired. The young men were rushed to hospital for treatment, but died shortly after arriving. Officer Fisk detailed the incident in his press statement earlier today.

All the signs were there, durags, slanted caps, impromptu hip-hop raps. They were unarmed and unafraid, I had no choice. I did what any officer of the law would do, how was I meant to know he wasn’t black”.

A culturally confused man.

It’s the new thing”, sociologist and famed blogger Taissa Flack assures me. “All the young people are doing it and you know how they can be, with their corduroy and crystal meth. They want to be the next Trayvon Martin or Philando Castile, I mean that guy got over 3 million hits in the space of a few hours. It’s what’s hot and the analytics don’t lie. It’s simple, go viral or go home.”

I’m not stealing black culture”, Terrance Applebaum protested while adjusting his bandanna “My swag is homegrown”. Terrance is one of the lucky ones. after surviving a near death experience in which he threw himself in front of a police shooting range he’s been residing at St. Bernard’s Hospital, Chicago ever since. “They riddled me senseless and somehow missed all vital organs, can you believe that? I was so close to fame, I even printed off hundreds of ‘We are Applebaum’ t-shirts for my posthumous supporters AKA ‘Baumbrigaders’ beforehand. Sure, I get the ‘get well soon’ cards from relatives, but where’s the ‘like’ button on that? There isn’t one! I’ve looked extensively!”.


Terrance Applebaum leaving hospital in full body cast.

The question is, when will this trend come to an end? Will it just become another Harlem shake? Virally jiving its way into the sunset, or must we see countless of fame-hungry middle class white men throwing themselves in front of police bullets ’til the end of time.

Brian Quinn