Dwight Schrute here, assistant to the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin and doctor of love from the University of Life. Today I be your Senpai and will be teaching you the 5 superior types of foreplay if you are interested in taking up one or several new romantic mates.

Defeat Your Potential Mate in an Arm Wrestle

Defeating your opponent through touching is the most primitive form of domination. After asserting your dominance in this relationship you may then ask to court your defeated opponent. Before asking for their courtship, might I suggest a simple test of strength that will draw your opponent in so you can crush them and assert your dominance?

Beat Them

Everyone knows the beat is the superior vegetable. It is rich in nutrients, can be reconstituted as sugar and has a vibrant colour that makes the rose look like a pathetic beggar on the street. This is why when you go on a first date with your potential mate you should maximise your chances of engaging in copulation by showering them in beets from your local farm. Might I recommend buying your first basket of beets for from Schrute farms? We will throw in a bundle of turnips if you use the discount code “DWIGHTRULES” on our website.

Test their Star Wars Knowledge

Are they truly one with the force? If they have knowledge of the Star Wars franchise then this person could be the one for you. Start of easy, “which hand did Luke Skywalker lose at the end of the Empire Strikes Back?”. If your potential mate gets this one wrong then don’t waste any more of your time on this fool.

Analyse their Skill with the Sword

This person is trying to be your life long mate, but what about when the bomb drops and turns everyone into flesh-eating monkeys? I of course will survive because of my nuclear bunker, but who will help me scour the barren, American wasteland to help me rebuild, repopulate society and rule it with an iron fist? Your potential mate will have to have child bearing hips but they also must be able to defend themselves. Test your potential lover’s ability with the sword as soon as you can.

Hold Hands

This seems like a pathetic form of human affection and it naturally takes away one of your fighting hands. However, by holding hands you will help form a connection between your and potential mate and show any threat in the area that you have back up.

This Dwight Schrute signing off. I do not wish you the best of luck in search for a mate as I in one of America’s superior couple. I will simply say, Guten Tag to you.