An unnamed Jack & Jones worker is on the verge of collapse with the terrifying thoughts that Christmas FM will be blasted into her eight hour shifts for the next five weeks as the festive season fast approaches. Katie, who doesn’t want her full name to be published due to the fact that she is on the verge of committing mass homicide, told that she is, “Sick of the same s****y music every year. If I have to hear that f****** Paul McCartney song one more time, I will stab an old lady in the eye.”

Katie is not alone with her belligerence to the festive period. Studies have shown that retail workers around the country are at their most volatile during this period due to a number of environmental issues all culminating into potential mass homicide.




In an effort to prevent such violent outbreaks during this festive season, the government have issued some tips to budding customers on how to conduct themselves when purchasing Christmas gifts:


  1. If the store is out of stock of a particular item, shouting at the top of your voice to an innocent person at the till is not going to make this item suddenly appear out of thin air. In fact, by being a d*** about it, is more of an incentive for the workers at the shop to not help you with the semi-crisis you are having.
  2. Queues are there because the people in front of you were there first. Skipping the queue will rightly make them angry. You are not the centre of the universe, despite what your teachers and parents might have told you as they wiped your arse all the way into adolescence. Your time is not more precious than anyone else. Wait in line and if you need to make a phone call while in line, use your indoor voice. The rest of the world does not need to hear about how “wasted” you were at the Christmas party last week.
  3. If you have been queuing for longer than five minutes, use this time to get your money ready for when you get to the till. Payment of the goods you want will not come as a surprise. Don’t all of a sudden go rummaging through your pockets/bag when the person at the till asks for the amount that the items are worth. If you do this regularly in stores, then maybe you should be euthanized.
  4. Do not bring your children shopping to the supermarket. It will slow you down on your endeavour and will also really annoy anyone in a 20foot radius of them. Remember when you were a child; supermarkets were not a fun place to go. Leave them with a friend and in return you will mind their children when they have to do their shopping. Problem solved.
  5. Don’t be a dick. No one wants to be out and about shopping. There is plenty of Netflix to be watching rather than pushing your way through crowds. The fact that you’re out shopping does not give you an excuse to be a dick about it. Be nice, people will respond similarly if you are.