Popular reality TV show “I’m A Presidential Candidate, Get Me Out Of Here!” reached a thrilling climax last night as the last two candidates remaining in The Big White House, “Donald To Da T” and “Lady Hillary” fought it out to b̶e̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶x̶t̶ ̶p̶u̶p̶p̶e̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶r̶e̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶ be crowned “Big White House Champion 2016“.

The Big White House studio has been home to the candidates for some months now. What started off as a few dozen candidates all crammed inside the house has now been whittled down to just two. Despite this, tensions have been growing higher as time has gone on.

Former pimp Donald To Da Ts refusal to leave the toilet seat down earlier in the week caused a huge fight with Lady Hillary. This resulted in him taking the unprecedented step of calling in a Mexican contractor on minimum wage to build a wall in the middle of the bathroom, effectively partitioning it for each of the candidates to use separately.

Meanwhile, Lady Hillary has been under fire for not being honest with the American public about a recent bout of pneumonia she contracted, and for not choosing as cool of a screen-name as Donald To Da T. When asked at the time for a comment on the matter, she responded “I did not have medical relations with that illness”.

Donald To Da T has also faced allegations that he may not have been born in the USA and was, in fact, born on a casino cruise ship a few hundred miles off the coast of Canada sometime in the late 1940’s.

Trump baby

A newly found photograph of Drumpf as a baby on board his casino cruise ship.

This story originates from unconfirmed reports at the time that a distinctively orange-skinned tribe of people had illegally entered the USA while stowing away inside slot machines ship-bound for the USA. The story went down in popular folklore and later became Roald Dahl’s inspiration for the lovable “oompa-loompa” tribe from popular children’s book “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory”.

The rumours have continued to persist, despite repeated denials from Donald To Da T. Under the original rules of the popular TV show, all candidates must be:

1) Born In The USA.
2) A cool rocking daddy.
3) Someone who has been sent off to a foreign land.

However, this year Lady Hillary managed to get the second rule waived on the grounds of sexism. The finale of I’m A Presidential Candidate, Get Me Out Of Here!” is expected to air very soon, due to the fact that Subway are extremely eager to purchase the studio set as soon as possible and open up yet another restaurant.

Bobby Madden