Oh, it is that time of the year again when the lovers of the world rejoice in meaningless gestures of affection and the singletons dust off the cobwebs off their genitals while eating half-priced, leftover chocolate? Yes, you guessed it! It’s Valentine’s Day! ’Tis the season when all the couples whip out the candles and heart-shaped…everything, and celebrate their love with a shag. So whether you are a Valentine’s Day lover losing your mind over new ways to do the horizontal mambo, or you just remembered that Valentine’s Day is coming up, but you still want to show your significant other that you care, Oxygen.ie is here for you! Here are 5 ways to have an unforgettable Valentine’s Day:
1) Just The Tip!
A classic among sex-tips (no pun intended). All the magazines tell you how to do it, so no need for me to be explicit. We all know that în the heat of the moment, it’s key to be mulți-tasking, that’s why it’s key to not just focus on one part of the job at hand like some demented wood-pecker. While you’re at it you can watch some Netflix, read a book, or do your online food shop to truly show off your plate-spinning prowess. If you want to make this moment more meaningful, you can use this opportunity to express your deepest thoughts. Like: “I think the equal distribution of wealth in Marxism would make it more afordable to buy condoms,” or ’’Because I oppose child labour and I am against consumerism, I haven’t changed my underwear in three days”.
2) Sex Toys!
Again, a classic of the genre that will never fail to get those windows steamed up. Not only will it bring something different to the relationship, but it will also show your significant other that you’re open minded and creative. So don’t go for the dull butt plugs/ spiked whips/ fluffy handcuffs from Ann Summer’s. Make it new all the way! You wouldn’t believe how many mundane items can get Fifty Shades of Greyed. Your mammy’s wooden spoon? Great for flogging! The end of an old mop? Perfect whip! Your sister’s ballet shoes? Handcuffs!!! Just make sure that when you’re done, you place everything back as incospicuously as possible, having thoroughly cleaned them of course. Otherwise you might be banned from every Christmas dinner, birthday, funeral or family reunion ever.
3) Oil It Up!
Essential oils are the traditional resource here, but what the hell! Go crazy! Try olive oil, vegetable oil, avocado oil, if you’re a fancy vegan. And ladies, this one’s for you: dress yourself in sexy lingerie and pour petrol all over yourselves to become your man’s own personal Playboy fantasy. Get literally dirty for him. And for a fiery, exciting night: play around with a candle or a lighter while you do a sexy dance for him. It will set his heart racing for sure!
4) Bring Food Into The Bedroom!
If the oil doesn’t quite tickle your pickle, try some food. You can be creative: exotic fruit, syrups, a Sunday roast or just mashed potatoes (take a page off Deadpool’s book). This is again a great way of showing your partner that you’re adventurous and open-minded. For extra excitement combine food and art. Melt some chocolate and paint shapes on each other’s bodies with a brush and then lick it. It should be great fun! Just don’t draw something weird. Like a penis…or a swastika.
5) Dirty talk!
We started with a classic so we’re gonna end with one! Take advantage of Valentine’s Day to bring some dirty talk into the bedroom. Tell your partner what you want them to do to you. Like: ’’ Smell my armpits! Tangy huh? Haven’t washed them in 4 days.” Or tell them what a dirty gal/guy you are: “I haven’t changed my bra in a week” or “My butthole is particularly hairy today just for you!” Your sex life will never be the same, guaranteed!
*Disclaimer: we, here at Oxygen. ie do not take responsibility for any physical or psycholgical damage, or the ireversible destruction of any relationship that might have ensued from following our advice.