Pokémon GO is an app, which can be downloaded for Android and iPhone, that allows the user to find and capture Pokémon in real-world situations. A seemingly innocent game and a pretty neat idea, right? Wrong. It’s a game that forces its players to go outside and walk long distances in different types of environments in order to allow them to capture Pokémon. While the game has remained extremely popular with pretty much everyone, as with everything simple and joyous, it has its naysayers.

There are those who haven’t played it because they, quote, ‘have a life’, and those who have no sense of personal responsibility who have had serious issues with the game, which I’m sure we can all understand. I can’t imagine how left out all those people with lives too busy to play it feel. I feel doubly worse however for those people whose sense of personal responsibility is so low that they might accidentally walk off a cliff or onto a busy motorway in order to catch a rare Pokémon. On the plus side though, those people will no doubt be thrilled at the fresh chance to catch all the rare Pokémon lurking in whatever intensive care ward they end up in.

If only your arms weren't shattered from falling off that cliff you might be able to catch Koffing who

If only your arms weren’t shattered from falling off that cliff you might be able to catch Koffing who’s wandered over from the Respiratory Ward

Upon loading the game, there is a disclaimer that stays on screen for a good 30 seconds warning players to remain aware of their surroundings while playing. Despite this, there are still swathes of Poké-craving fools getting into accidents because they’re just so engrossed in this dangerous game. Before they know it, their frenzied pursuit of a Lapras has led them into the middle of a busy street, or an ocean. And because of that damned disclaimer the players can’t even sue the makers of the game for their own lack of responsibility.

Women have also reported feeling safer walking alone at night due to the number of Pokémon GO players hanging around searching for nocturnal Pokémon. Assailants must feel pretty victimised at having their prime hunting time ruined by the game. Everyone knows women secretly want to be attacked too because you know, we love attention from anyone. Though this, perhaps erroneously, presumes that the kind of people playing Pokémon Go at night aren’t the same people that would already be skulking around shady alleyways. If we’re being real here, pursuing a Charmander is probably just a new and exciting way for these people to pass the interminably boring time between assaults.

Regular customers of businesses situated near a PokéStop have also complained about the businesses consistently being thronged with Pokémon GO players. Sure, the game may have caused an increase in business but who has time to wait an extra 5 minutes for a cup of coffee because of a middle-aged man leaping about attempting to imprison a polygonal fish in a fictional orb.

Other noticeable changes have occurred in players’ lives too. People have been reporting weight loss, improved social lives and decreased social anxiety. There have even been reports of people being saved from suicide as a direct result of the game. People have also been going on ‘Pokémon GO’ dates which we all know just translates to, “I’m too cheap to bring you on a real date that neither of us will actually enjoy”.

Meowth date

If you can’t find a Pokémon on a date, then you can’t find love.

I can definitely see why the people who can’t play the game would be sour over the social lives of otherwise very introverted people being improved. And those who have been forced to hurt themselves by the game must be twice as jealous of those who have managed to improve their lives with it. And let’s not forget that the game basically advocates slave labour. Overall, it seems like a pretty dangerous and hurtful game to society. At least that’s what all those offended by the game have been saying on the comments section of everything Pokémon GO related.

Fiona O’Kearney