1.Intense creeping

No one wants to go on a first date completely unprepared, so lurking through their social media is key. Everyone does it, not just creeping but INTENSE creeping. This is the sort of investigation which brings you from their Facebook page to pictures from their 10th birthday party and then on to their great-aunts facebook page. When the intense creeping is finished you will find yourself on the date nodding along to stuff they tell you about their family and thinking in your head “knew that already” and “Oh yeah your great aunt Barbara who got a new puppy last year” but acting like it’s new information. CHECK.


2. Realizing they are probably doing the same thing.

It’s 2018 and if your creeping on them you can be sure they are doing the exact same thing to you. So, you sieve through old Instagram posts and statuses about your dead dog you shared on Facebook 8 years ago. Next stop Twitter, go over your 43,000 tweets just to make sure there’s nothing on that platform that makes you sound like a crazy person. So that means delete 90% of old tweets. Basically, delete your entire online presence. CHECK.


3. Change your outfit approximately 35 times.

This is essential. You need to make sure that even if the date goes horrendously bad, you still looked good and that they will remember how good you looked. You will also surely cover one outfit up with nervous sweat before you leave the house to go on the date anyway, so having a few back-ups is key. You want to dress like you didn’t make too much effort while actually going through extreme effort in doing so. CHECK.


4. Mentally prepare a list of conversation starters and topics.

There’s going to be silences and they are going to be awkward no matter how hard you try. So, you might as well bring a list of questions in your pocket for when things get awkward and the going gets tough. Things like where they went to school, what they want to do after their degree, personal anecdotes, what else they put in their cheese toasties apart from the cheese, how many kids they want work best. CHECK


5. Panic and cancel

After all the prep, you are going to panic, and you will probably just cancel the whole date anyway. You are too deep in paranoia at this stage and the list of reasons not to go is past your ankles. So now it’s time to cancel at the last minute. Make sure to come up with an outrageous excuse or just stop replying and simply pretend that you have died. CHECK


Colleen Brady