The more I look at Tiktok at 2am the more it starts to look like the teleshopping. “New for JML, the Arse-Scratcher 2000!”
It was last night though when my brain left my body because it had had enough poison from the app. I had seen an ad for bottled air and I bought it.
The hallmarks were all there that we were going end up at this moment. It was things like Liquid chlorophyll, teeth whitening kits and the Jawzrsize. Imagine being a 17-year old Leaving Cert Biology student and hearing that Tiktok stars are selling the colour of grass to people. Madness!
The bottled air is actually called “Smells like LA”. It’s bottle of air that supposed to, well “smell like Los Angelas and make you feel like you’re right there standing on the beach” says one Tiktok star.
The bottle doesn’t look miraculous like the Tiktok star selling it suggested. It just looks like a regular Ballygowan bottle with a lovely picture of a golden sunset, palm trees and blue skies as far as the eye can see.
That’s not the picture my mind paints when I open it though. I presume the point of the product is for me to open it, smell it and feel like I’ve been transported to Venice Beach. What I actually smell is smog with a hints of gentrification… so the actual smell of LA!
I’m not sure what the production process of this bottled air is but I imagine it’s some lad from LA who got his hands on a bunch of empty bottles just decided to scoop the air into it and said “They’re you go. $5, please.” Why wouldn’t he just sell an air freshener?!?!
None of this actually happened. This is actually an article written by our in house Gas-Cuntist as part of our satire magazine, “The Spanner”. You can’t say we’re not far away from Tiktok stars selling bottled air to teens though as some sort of escape that will get them closer to the lifestyle of Hollywood stars.