At 2:34pm today, the students of Maynooth University had to be evacuated from the John Hume building after Thomas Byrne, a first year Business student, soiled himself in the middle of his marketing presentation. “He had said he was nervous, but I never expected this,” said his best friend, Sam O’Connell after the incident.

Mr. Byrne was the second student of the day to do their presentation and witnesses say that he was sweating profusely while setting up his power point. After just five minutes into it, students were left stunned and horrified when Mr. Byrne began to convulse and twitch.

Rachel McGuire, fellow business student claims “a loud tear echoed around the hall” and splatters of faeces appeared on the newly installed interactive whiteboard. “He was white as a sheet and we could all see the stains on his chinos. It was f*cking gank.” Ms. McGuire concludes holding back tears.

Students and staff fleeing the affected John Hume building.

Students and staff fleeing the affected John Hume building.

Reports are that the first 20 rows experienced it the most severe, the smell and sights hitting them the strongest, overwhelming them to sickness. Brendan Noonan, Chief of the Dublin Fire Brigade, said that it was the “worst experience of mass hysteria” he has ever seen. “Inside the hall the kids were vomiting all over each other – so overcome by the incident. Some were just sitting there screaming, some crying – completely stunned.” Chief Noonan said, “we had to have our masks on, it was worse than a toxic spill.”

Professor Phil Leister, Mr. Byrne’s business lecturer, said that he had never encountered anything like it in his 30 years of teaching at the college and is considering early retirement, “I must say, it was the most revolting thing I’ve ever seen in my career and I hope to block it out of my mind – the dripping… it was like some grotesque Bobby Sands tribute act. Awful, truly awful.”

Maynooth University cleaning staff were provided with special equipment from the army.

While Mr. Byrne’s whereabouts are still unknown, the university’s representatives have remained silent and are making no comment. “Some people say that he’s still in there, too afraid to come out.” said Andrew Smith, an anthropology student.

The John Hume hall will remained closed the foreseeable future while the forensic cleaners purge the remaining faeces out of the grouting, however nothing will be able to wash away Mr. Byrne’s eternal shame.

Maynooth University is looking into setting up support groups for those affected by the incident.

Laura Kelly