Leaked Pfizer Documents Reveal COVID Vaccine is Just Boiled 7Up

A Pfizer facility break lead to the leak of several important documents. One of these documents included the method for producing the COVID-19 vaccine.

The method which was published on the internet read as follows: ‘x1 7Up (wholesale), x1 pot and heating appliance, bring it to a boil, suck it up into the syringe there. Serve hot.’

Governments scrambled to their feet when they realized what they just spent millions on to distribute for free was in fact, boiled 7Up*.

‘I can’t believe this. We really fell asleep at the wheel in 2020 and lost millions didn’t we?’, Minister for Climate, Environment, and Communications Eamon Ryan said as he sipped on a hot cup of the transparent treat while arriving to work on a pair of Heelys.

When approached about the method for making the vaccine, the CEO of Pfizer, Albert Bourla simply touched his fresh Armani suit and said ‘Sorry! Tip black no swap back!’

Boiled 7Up has been a holistic remedy used by Irish people for years. It’s been used by Irish Mammies to help their kids shake the cold or flu that they’ve been struggling to shake. It appears Pfizer have done their research and taken a leaf out our book.

World leaders scrambled for refunds from Pfizer and are unsure which big pharma to turn to for reliable vaccine. Rumours are spreading that the orange colour of the Moderna vaccine is suspiciously similar to that of Iron Bru.

*Disclaimer: 7Up probably isn’t the actual COVID vaccine and this article may have been written by our in-house Gas Cuntist. But if you do believe this fizzy, nectar has magic properties why not enter to win some and a whole bunch of goodies with our Ultimate Goodie Bag Contest here.

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