Move over Watergate; make way Wikileaks; Cat-Bin-Lady you can literally go fuck a melon, the U2 tickets scandal is now officially the largest scandal in the history of humanity. Professional rhythm-manufacturer Larry Mullen, has announced that he will be unable to perform in U2’s Joshua Tree Anniversary concert scheduled to take place in Croke Park this July as he is unable to afford a ticket.

Mr. Mullen said in a statement today that the prices being demanded for tickets through sites such as Seatwave, a subsidiary of Ticketmaster, were “sheerly extortionate” and were entirely unaffordable for a man of his income. He stated that “given the way Bono pays me, with most concerts by the time I’ve paid to bus it to the venue and meet up with the rest of the band at their limo drop-off point, I’m already out of pocket.”

The issue was raised with Mr. Mullen that it was surely unusual for a band member to have to buy a ticket to one of their own concerts. To this, Mr. Mullen said “Well that’s always been how we’ve done things, I bu- we buy tickets to perform at our own gigs. I’ve asked Bono about it a couple of times, and he’s said that there’s nothing he could do about it… though he sort of said it while shuffling his feet and looking at the ground, and he kept sort of nudging The Edge and snickering.”

Larry Mullen smouldering over U2 tickets

Larry Mullen, despite apparently being trapped in some long steel pipe, still manages to smoulder.

He went on to add that he didn’t think anybody should be paying that much for a ticket to one of U2’s concerts, saying “I don’t know what we think we’re doing accepting this kinda silly money for out tickets, I mean it’s not 1999, it’s… well it’s no longer 1999. We shouldn’t be letting people pay this, we’re not worth it, but Bono’s just looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses, often literally.” He added that those who were responsible for reselling their tickets at such inflated prices were “not only taking the piss, but bottling that piss, labelling it as ‘liquid gold’, and trying to sell that bottled piss back to me.”

When asked if he was upset that he wouldn’t get to perform at the concerts Larry Mullen, said that he wasn’t too fussed as it’ll give him more time to focus on his hobbies; crocheting artisinal haemorrhoid cushions and developing his own fashion range. He is planning to launch his own clothing line based on the look he’s carefully cultivated over the years, which he described as being “reminiscent of a villain from a 1980’s action film- but not modelled on one villain specifically, it’s more a sort of aggregate of the idea of a typical Hollywood villain… but as I said, a villain from the 1980’s.”

Rory McNab