The National Association for Students Authority has requested an inquiry into recent findings that two students, one male the other female, in their early 20’s, were spotted in the halls of D.C.U. speaking to each other, without the presence of a smartphone or any other electronic device.

A spokesperson for N.A.S.A. stated, “If the findings are true we must proceed with caution. We are concerned for the well-being of all students. This is a national issue. We will not take these allegations lightly.” When asked by of their exact concerns the association replied, “The time for talking is over. We’ve talked enough. Christ! The next thing is they’ll be participating in tutorials, engaging with lecturers! We are building technological robots not human beings. Our saying is: Don’t Look and talk; Facebook and Stalk!’

The two alleged cannot be named for fear of them being subjected to further unfriending on social media but sources within D.C.U. have provided the testimonies of the two accused to While looking at her phone and not making eye contact with our reporter, Ms. Saoirse De Paor texted us stating, “…they are totes two weirdos. Like, they’d be the ones to answer a question in a lecture LOL. I mean once I heard your one say “thanks” to a staff member at the canteen. What does that say!? FFS.”

N.A.S.A. are providing counselling services via Twitter and if you are struggling with any of the current issues please follow the OMGSomeoneJustTallkedToMe# for further advice.

Eoghan Danaher