In light of last night’s election calamity for Theresa May it has been announced that she is to strike a deal with Northern Ireland’s DUP to form a government.
Ms. May went into the election boasting a 100 seat lead over the Labour party, yet ended the night with this advantage nearly halved and without an outright majority. It however took some time for the Prime Minister to call on the DUP’s support to hopefully form either a minority government or a coalition.
“She thought I was having a stroke at first,” said one anonymous Conservative source, “I just kept saying to Ms. May, ‘It’s that bit on top of Ireland. Northern Ireland, it’s called Northern Ireland’. She just sort of looked at me blankly and kept denying that such a place existed. Eventually someone came over with the ‘United Kingdom’ Wikipedia page open on a laptop and she eventually accepted that there was a country called Northern Ireland in existence and that she was in fact nominally in charge of it. We thought that that’d clear things up, but then she looked me square in the eye with those soulless pissholes of hers and said ‘So what’s a DUP then?’… That was three hours I’m not getting back.”
Ms. May said that she was amazed to hear of Northern Ireland as she thought that they had gotten rid of all of their colonies years ago. Speaking to the press she admitted “Honestly I would’ve thought we’d have offloaded that in the 70’s, I had no idea we still had control of it. Although, I suppose I did once borrow a friend’s copy of Ocean’s Eleven and then, about three years later, having been convinced I’d returned it, I found the very same DVD sitting on a shelf, though a little bit dustier and worse for wear; so I suppose it’s easy for these things to slip the mind.”
Ms. May said she hopes Arlene Foster will be able to bring some strength and stability to her proposed government as she seems to have misplaced hers.