Occasional national consciousness-intruder Brendan O’Connor has found himself embroiled in controversy following the publication of his latest article for the Independent. The ire on social media was such that it seemed it was only modern ignorance as to how to actually construct an old-fashioned flaming torch that spared O’Connor from a traditional pitchforks and torches-style lynching.

In the piece, entitled “Me and the Junior Prostitutes’ Convention” on social media, O’Connor drew comparisons between the revealing clothing worn by young girls attending a Rihanna concert and the type of attire he imagined might be seen at a Junior Prostitutes’ Convention.

Juliana Atlee, a sex-worker and spokesperson for the 2016 Junior Prostitutes’ Convention spoke to our reporter; “I think it’s absolutely appalling. Our children need reliable role models to help guide them, and I think it’s disgusting that he’s having his articles published in a national paper, but can’t even get his grammar together. The article should obviously be titled “The Junior Prostitutes and I.” Ya know, like ‘The King and I‘…but with prostitutes.

Ms. Atlee continued, “I’m sick of people like Brendan O’Connor being portrayed by the media as suitable role models for our children and yet he’s making the sort of grammatical errors you wouldn’t expect from a concussed 5 year old. It’s like they want there to be a generation of kids fixated on their appearance rather than on education. I think it’s disgraceful.”

Our reporter also spoke to Mr. O’Connor, to get his thoughts on the unfolding scandal. He stated that, “when confronted by a sea of arses as broad and blinding as the one I saw, grammar goes out the window like”.

“Look,” he continued, “if you put Noam Chomsky, or whoever, in front of someone- behind someone -with a massive, wobbling arse hanging out, the last thing ol’ Chomsky will be thinking about is the difference between ‘they’re’, ‘their’ and ‘there’, ya know?”. When our reporter raised the point that Noam Chomsky probably wouldn’t leer at someone’s bottom in the first place, Mr. O’Connor began to sweat and shifted his weight between his bare feet, before muttering something about, “asking for it if they’re dressed like that”. He then wandered across the auditorium to stuff complimentary condoms into one of the crumpled carrier bags he’d specifically brought to the convention.

When O’Connor’s inexplicable attendance at the Junior Prostitutes’ Convention was raised with the aforementioned Ms. Atlee, she sighed before saying, “he said he got lost and accidentally ended up here. Mind you he’s said that each of the past 12 years he’s attended.”

Their interview was then interrupted by the sounds of security forcibly removing an irate Mr. O’Connor from the premises for verbally harassing the majority of girls wearing anything more revealing than a burqa. However, a promoter wearing small denim shorts seemed to be his main focus. He was simultaneously giving her a thumbs up and sticking his middle finger up at her as he left the building; his misguided conscience and libido apparently locked in an existential battle.

Ms. Atlee sighed again and shook her head, “every year”.

The ‘Junior Prostitute’s Convention’ is taking place in the RDS on the 27-31 June, followed by ‘The Prostitutes’ Convention’, ‘The Senior Prostitutes’ Convention’ and the ‘So You’re Now A Retired Prostitute, What’s Next?’ Convention. There was also an erroneously booked screening of ‘The French Connection’, since cancelled.

Rory McNab