People from all over America will celebrate Thanksgiving today with their friends and loved ones before setting about destroying them in the race for Black Friday goodies.

Now that the appreciation for harvest and other such outmoded aspects of our existence has all but run its course, savvy corporations and retail chains are once again flipping humanity on its head no sooner than the turkey’s wrapped in tinfoil. Oh sorry, aloominum foil. (Iditots)

As Americans fawn and salivate over Blu Ray players, PS4’s and slightly altered price tags through the shop window, store owners and employee are preparing their will to include the overtime pay for the shopping bonanza, as almost certain death awaits them in the carnage.


As is tradition, the day follows on from Thanksgiving, with stores opening from 4am to accommodate the deadly demand of consumers.


It’s a testament to the human condition that people can observe such sacred family values one day and then transform into materialistic savages mere hours later, but it’s a day out for all the family nonetheless.

Indeed, for all the hot air in the media regarding the much maligned gun laws of the country, Black Friday is the biggest day for firearms as well. Automatic assault rifles and handheld pistols fly off the shelves in the melee like something from a half priced Call of Duty game, as the less-adjusted folk do their bit to capitalise on the Blackness.

Though there are some reservations voiced as to the morality of such a shopping day, it’s argued that while prices are high and wages are low, days like this acts as a reprieve for the average consumer.

“At the end of the day, we believe consumers are essentially rabid dogs. We try to bring that out in them and in that respect the marketing strategy is working an absolute treat.” said the head of Black Friday, The Anti-Christ.