1) Is This Person a Computer?
Surely you’ve realised at this stage that Tinder is full of fake profiles? Well, a lot of them are there to try and take all your information … and steal your identity. The cheek of them, we know! That’s why it’s important to ask yourself is this person a bot – especially if the profile only has just one SUPER GOOD LOOKING photo, nothing written in the bio, and if they reply withing lightning speed.
Sure it’s no craic flirtin’ with a computer. Unless you’re into that.
“How you doin?”
2) Do they have road frontage?
This is a fairly obvious one, we know. But always make sure to keep an eye out for any hint of a field, tractor, wellies, or the like.
3) How many shirtless selfies is too many shirtless selfies?
The answer to this is up to yourself of course – but let us just point out here that its SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN that the more gym selfies someone has on their profile, the more likely they are to be a bit of an annoying d*** head. It’s science.
4) OMG, is that their pet tiger?
Is that really their pet tiger? Did they organise a cute photo shoot with the tiger? Should I swipe right FOR the tiger? Do they own that fancy soft top car their standing beside? Are they really friends with Conor McGregor/Drake/that celebrity they are standing beside? Did they save all those elephants in Thailand? Did they really win the Liam McCarthy cup, or are they just holding it for a photo?
Let us answer: No, no, no … no, and … maybe.
5) What do they really work at?
Full time mad bastard? Dolphin Trainer? Writer?
Come on, writing a Tinder bio does not make you a writer … there are no “hooters” restaurants in the depths of County Cavan, and how many 21 year old brain surgeons can there be?!
6) Why are they wearing hats in every photo?
Maybe they are just into fedoras. Maybe hats are their “thing” … Maybe they had a Britney style break down and shaved their head. It’s important to question things, okay?!
7) Why are they wearing a watch in every photo?
Very suspicious. Are they obsessed with timing? Are they going to tell you when you’re seven minutes late for a date? Are they going to ask you to grab ketchup from the counter in the restaurant and time you? (This has happened us before, it took 26 seconds) Are they a horologist? (*refer back up to job section)
8) Why are they wearing glasses in every photo?
Very, very suspicious. To us, this one screams NO EYES.
9) Do they look like they could make a good cup of tea?
VERY important question.
Give away signs of decent tea making include:
- a picture including a cup of tea
- box of teabags in the right background of the pic of them posing in the kitchen
- a good sturdy lookin’ pair of hands
- a smile your granny would love
- a picture of their granny
- a picture of them drinking tea with their sturdy hands, and their granny