Getting a new job is just plain and simple terrifying. If you’re the only new one, it’s even worse. Everyone has already made those unbreakable work bonds, covering each other’s shifts and going on work nights out together and you’re there lurking on the outside like a lonely parasite, sucking the life out of whatever poor unfortunate soul that has to train the newbie in. As if there was even going to be a ‘but’ after that, BUT! You have something they don’t. You get to look at them from the outside in. You can view their quirks and mannerisms without any bias or prior knowledge. You will learn very quickly just how many different types of co-workers you will meet on this new energy draining, money spending, and weekend ruining journey. So let me fill you in before you start, what (or should I say, who) you’ve got to look forward to.

1) The Stoner One:

Red-eyed and slow movements you’ll get from this one. They’ll still do their job just grand, but it’ll be like watching a sloth. If they’re not high they’ll be talking about their plans to get high, a “mad” story of when they were high one time or moaning about their high hangover.

2) The Healthy One:

Ask them what their plans are for the night, they’ll probably first be running home with one of those sensible backpacks made for running. Their favourite food is avocado and egg and they do cross-fit every morning at the arse-crack of dawn and come into work like Alice Cullen (hello Twilight reference) on cocaine. They will somehow manage to change every single conversational topic to how much they exercise, how much green tasteless shite they eat and how they’re running out of protein powder. They mean well but don’t let them judge your food choices. You eat your chicken fillet roll with pride!

3) The Forever-Late One:

Either they’re running into the office late, or missed the early bus and now they’re late for your shift change so in turn you’re going to miss your bus. Their forever lateness will just make you and your other co-workers angry. They’re flustered and apologetic but don’t fall for their lies, they are just always late.

4) The Morning Person One:

The morning shift is not a place for smiles. No, no. It’s a place for frowning into over priced coffee and dealing with shitty customers. This Positive Paula/Paul will drive you up the fucking wall with their “Happy Monday!”’s and nonsense shite talk about their weekend. It’s 9am! Please stop. The best way to deal with these is to pass them off onto someone else. It’s cruel and the victim will never forgive you

5) The Bitch:

Swapping shifts left right and centre, spreading pointless work rumours and just not working as hard as everyone else. Just smile and wave boys, this is one person to just be polite to but don’t bother your arse with them. You’ll get nothing from them and they’ll do nothing for you. It’s a lost cause!

6) The Hungover One:

I’m NEVER drinking again,” is the phrase that comes out of their mouth 24/7. Pasty, drink sweats and reeking of alcohol this person does have some fecking gas stories if they can remember them. Honestly, you can work this person to your advantage as they can be a gateway to a good time, wherever they go out it’ll be the most forgettable night of your life. But, no matter how hard they’ve gone and how late they’ve stayed up, they will never, ever miss a shift. They’re true troopers.

7) The Never-Wants-To-Be Here One:

Ugh, I hate this place”, “I don’t want to be here”, “I’m really not in the mood for this place today” YOU ARE NEVER IN THE MOOD FOR THIS PLACE. Please, shut up! Moaning, whining, dragging themselves around and a bigger moaner than Sadness from Inside Out this person drags the very delicate morale of everyone down and you’d rather be stuck with The Bitch. You’ve managed to drag yourself out of bed and you’re greeted with this. We all don’t want to be here Moaning Myrtle, suck it the fuck up.

8) Your Work Best Friend:

Anxiously awaiting the roster with all fingers and toes crossed to see if you got a shift together and when you do, it’s shits and giggles for the entire time. Nothing can stop these powerhouse duo from laughing their way through this shift. Gossiping about others, spreading the workplace scandal and begging your boss to let you go to lunch together (shift workers, UNITE!). Having a workplace bestie honestly makes it so much easier.

Laura Kelly