Donald Trump, a man who has seemingly based his entire physical appearance on the idea of ‘what it would look like if a 3-month old Cheeto found down the back of a sofa was put in a suit’, has criticised Enda Kenny after his first meeting with the Taoiseach.

The traditional pre-St. Patrick’s Day meeting between the two heads of state began well, with both arriving fully dressed to the press conference. However, things descended rapidly from there.

The air of excitement Donald Trump exuded as he awaited the customary gift from the Taoiseach was palpable. Indeed, it was only after learning that he would be receiving a gift that his advisers were able to cajole him into coming to the event. This is said to be largely true of the President in general and that he refuses to even leave the house without the promise of material gain. For instance, the Israeli Prime Minister was apparently kept waiting several hours during a recent visit, and it was only after a secret service agent gaffer-taped a Rolex to the back of Benjamin Netanyahu that Mr. Trump agreed to leave his quarters in the hope of acquiring the shiny trinket adhered to Mr. Netanyahu.

Yet, as Enda Kenny shuffled toward their podiums, Donald Trump’s face- like that of a child unwrapping a Christmas present which turns out not to be the box of Lego he’d been hoping for, but instead a carrier-bag full of sausage meat- fell. Donald Trump, as he surveyed the brimming crystal bowl gliding toward him, borne by the hands of a small Mayo man, could be heard over the clacking cameras exclaiming “What in the name of sodomy is that!?”

It’s a bowl of shamrocks Donald. An ornate crystal bowl, full of- what is essentially cress’ glamorous uncle- shamrocks.

Staring at the ostentatious crystal vessel of herbs he’d just been handed, Mr. Trump turned to address the crowd, “Why… Why have you done this?” He whispered in quiet bewilderment, looking at Enda Kenny. “You come over here, to give me this bowl of weird… grass? Theresa May gave me jewellery, okay? That’s what we should be aiming for here. I mean I know things haven’t been going well for you guys over there recently, but surely you could do better than… this?”

Mr. Kenny began to weep as the President slowly ambled off stage, pausing only to stare at a framed photograph of his daughter Ivanka for several moments. It is understood Donald Trump is looking into a third revision of his Travel Ban, which would solely preclude Irish men seeking to travel in excess of 3,000 miles to give him small bowls of elaborate grass from entering the United States.