It is unfortunate that these days that we often come across news so shocking that we must stop what we’re doing- making dinner, photographing your own ankles, instigating a dance-battle with your neighbour’s nephew etc.- and take stock. However, occasionally a piece of news will slither its way to you which will elicit a reaction nothing more than an exasperated, ‘Well of course’, and you may continue plucking away at any of the aforementioned activities. The announcement that Bill O’Reilly, host of the O’Reilly Factor on Fox News, has been fired after the revelation of multiple alleged cases of sexual harassment, surely falls into the latter category.
Bill O’Reilly, a man who has refined the practice of being a thrillingly vast asshole into an artform, has been revealed to be every bit as much of a thrillingly vast asshole as has been suggested by all of his actions to date.
An anonymous source speaking on behalf of Mr. O’Reilly, said “The phrase ‘prolific sexual harasser’ is thrown around all too freely these days. Yes, in the traditional definition of the term, it may be wrong to repeatedly and indiscriminately harass any female member of your workforce within spitting distance (and he would know if they were, as his main method of getting the attention of an underling- I mean ‘colleague’- was by spitting at them). Yes, it may indeed be wrong that this practice over the course of many years undoubtedly led to many victims being seriously traumatised as a result of his actions. Yes, that all may be so; but, is it not more wrong that, umm… that…” At this point in our discussion the anonymous source, appearing flustered, threw the hot cup of coffee he was drinking into my face, before running about 50 yards away and hiding behind a small bush. This meeting took place in a park.
It is currently unclear who will replace Bill O’Reilly as host of their seminal prime-time news show, The O’Reilly Factor. We understand however that they are reluctant to attempt a re-brand of the show as they have just ordered a new shipment of themed show merchandise and so are reportedly holding open auditions for bigots of the same name. If you’re interested please, contact them here.