During these uncertain times, self-isolation offers us the chance to meditate and self-reflect on our journey through life, without external forces dictating what version of ourselves we present to the world.
But if a person meditates and didn’t hashtag the hell out of it, did it really happen?
Although many will criticize social media as a front that adds to the façade of an already post-truth society, there are certain tells that can reveal the very nature of a person by what platform they most frequent.
We here at Oxygen.ie have investigated the most popular forms of social media to peel back the layers of deception, as to us, investigative journalism is about as important as…well the air we breathe.
Use this list to find out what the person across from you really thinks before you enter into a platonic, romantic or business relationship. Or use it to face some truths about yourself, we won’t judge.
You first saw Facebook as a haven after all your childhood friends told you Bebo shut down and are now disgusted to see what it has become through its many cosmetic facelifts in place of actual improvement for users. You’re the last of your social circle to pick up on trends, but one of the first to comment something problematic under the Irish Times or Independent.ie articles, believing that sharing your opinion is a public service to the protection of free speech and calling out fake news.
You’ve been with this platform for so long that you can’t imagine moving to another app, not out of loyalty though, more out of fear that you won’t get the same number of friends if you start over now.
When you reach your thirties, you will communicate your personality solely through memes and still have no idea what Despicable Me or Tumblr is.
Alternatively, you could just use it for Messenger when you have no phone credit.
You think having multiple accounts is the same as compartmentalizing, and you’re wrong.
Your professional account, what you call “the best-version of yourself” and the one you put down on job applications, is carefully tailored with who you follow and commenting on only industry-related news with tweets that you’ve spent hours formulating, only to ask yourself what’s the worst they could say about this, before you choose to delete them. You refuse to publicly pick a side because you can’t predict how the knock-on effects will impact you and this infuriates your friends.
You debate whether or not to put your casual or ‘main’ account on private because your parents’ warning that employers can see what you tweet still plays in your head, but you see your friends being organically funny and political on their accounts and you still hope one day to become Twitter famous.
You act like you have way more followers than you do by sharing every meme that says “Like this for ____” because seeing that notification counter go up gives you a high from 3rd party validation that you never received as a child. Being verified on Twitter is still a dream goal for you.
If you have a private account, you’re either incredibly horny and kinky or you need professional help.
Instagram changing their settings so you could no longer see the total number of likes on other people’s accounts was a dark day for you. You deliberately space out your posts so your followers will get a notification, but still use the story feature in the meantime.
Being a social influencer is a career choice and you treat this app like a military operation. You taught yourself more about lighting and angles than any course could and the most experimental you’ve gotten is posting a suggestive picture of yourself (sans face) just to get the boost in serotonin from likes and DM requests.
You’ve sent yourself questions to get the ball rolling. Don’t deny it.
Starting off looking for specific scenes from television because you’re too poor to afford Netflix, you now watch videogame walkthroughs because you’re too poor to buy a Nintendo Switch.
If you are a content creator, you live solely off of Patreon donations because Youtube keeps demonetizing your videos. Saying that, your fans really appreciate your video essays on the philosophy of Rick and Morty and we thank you for your service.
December 17th 2018 was a dark day for you, but somehow you soldier on with half your bot account followers.
You are not straight and have some strong opinions on what exactly the A stands for in LGBTQAI+.
Your interests include plants, table top role-playing games, Adam Ellis’ illustrations and tv spoilers.
You want to be paid for making videos but you only have enough ideas to last about a minute in total. You also stalk your ex on the ‘For You’ page.
You started looking into this because the media job you wanted said you had to have experience and now you’ve fallen way the down the rabbit hole into conspiracy theories and right-wing politics.
You think “incel” is a slur and the most socially acceptable thing you’ve done is comment “ok boomer” at the worst times.
If there are any platforms that we’ve missed, we get it, you’re not like other girls. The truth may hurt, but at least you can take solace in the knowledge that you’re not avoiding social media as way to rebel, or because you live in the middle of nowhere with no wifi connection.