1.Michael D. Higgins is still be the president
Micky D is now in his 128th year and still going strong. He now has 63 different breeds of dogs and brings them everywhere. He is now considered a God by everyone. All religion has been banned and all now pray to Michael D. He even had a set of wings implanted.
2.Ireland have won three straight world cups
Now managed by the grandsons of Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane, Ireland are a superpower of world football. They were so good that everyone else had to hand their previously won world cups over to us. Eamon Dunphy staged a dramatic coup of RTE and now sits on the Iron throne of the Sports Center. The studio is now his local pub and the other pundits are banned from any form of optimism whatsoever.
3. Trinity has been demolished and replaced by 76 starbuck outlets
The once famous college is now gone. The book of Kells lies strewn on a side table with coffee stains all over it. Lecturers have gone from teaching people about the intricacies of the Roman Legal system to spelling Carl wrong on a coffee cup.
4. Tallaght has been destroyed by a meteor shower
In what is considered to be the greatest probability anomaly in scientific history, a meteor shower somehow centered in on Tallaght leaving the remainder of the country untouched. They still rebuilt Lidl though.
5. After another recession, the bankers have finally been brought to justice
Nah, not really, did you really think that would happen?
6. Points for ‘Influencer’ courses have gone sky high.
The health system has crashed after 6 more children’s hospitals were built at a cost of €6.6 trillion. Small illegal health clinics are now scattered around the country, run by Sports science students after all the doctors went to Saudi Arabia. In fairness, the waiting lists are far shorter. Vincents is now where U2 practice.
7. The West Drifted off in the great storm of 2030
That’s right. Galway and Mayo etc. are no more after a terrible storm that knocked over 6 garden chairs in Dublin. Some say the aul fella Paddy hasn’t realised and goes out to milk his cows every morning, oblivious to the fact that his farm is in the middle of the Atlantic.
8. The 5 counties are back!!!
Oh shit, they forgot Down…….
9. All motorways have been replaced by a Cycle Lanes
To the disgruntlement of drivers nationwide there are now no motorways whatsoever. After Irelands Carbon emissions reached dangerous levels they had no choice but to do away with them. A trip down the shops now takes 3 days.
10. Your man Keith is still a prick.
Jesus Keith, will you ever learn?