In the light of Adam Johnson’s unfortunate foray into the pants of an under-ager and subsequent, his PR Team have released the following statement.
Another damning blow was dealt to the culture of Roy of the Rovers today. A Tyne-side treasure, Adam Johnson, has been accused, and we would like to emphasize ‘accused’ (please underline the word accused) of engaging in congress of the physically sexual variety with a woman who cannot, under the confines of this countries out-dated law, be legally described as such.
This woman, heretofore referred to as a ‘minor’, seduced Adam Johnson into certain unspecified acts involving hands amongst other appendages and has since pressed charges.
Despite her birth certificate showing her age as under 16 (just), Mr Johnson was misguided by the ‘minors’ gregarious personality and developed physique which, him being a sportsman above all else, garnered more influence than common sense.
Mr Johnson would like to extend his deepest regret to his girlfriend, who he would like to strongly establish is a person of legal age for frequent relations. Mr. Johnson would also like to emphasize that this is an isolated incident, and once an adequate sum of money has been negotiated to act as legal duct tape, he will make a concerted and conscious effort to establish the age of any young women he intends to consort with.
Mr Johnson has been performing at a consistent level throughout the last two years, and will not let this incident halt Sunderland F.C’s progress towards relegation. He would also like to offer his sincere sympathy to the family of the ‘minor’, who Mr Johnson would like to point out demonstrated maturity beyond her years.
This case will be dealt with in a swift and expedited manner, and we are confident that Mr. Johnson is wealthy enough to bypass any needless legal wranglings.
Furthermore, we would like to stress that Mr Johnson is available for a transfer and is willing to listen to offers from any clubs in Thailand.