Poll results indicating the Scottish independence referendum outcome is too close to call have forced pro-union Better together to reveal their radical proposals to frighten Scotland into voting No – The deal must include ruling Northern Ireland

Last week the British government  promised extending powers to Holyrood should Scots vote to reject independence

However, given the gravity of the situation, David Cameron is now taking a harder line,  demanding that should the Scots choose independence; they’ll have to take Northern Ireland with them

Northern Ireland and Scotland share an interlinked history, with the 17th century plantation of Ulster being made up of settlers from lowlands Scotland, a historical event thought to explain common cultural characteristics such as fondness for Buckfast, bigotry, chronic obesity levels and distinctly incomprehensible accents.

Westminster argues Northern Ireland is essentially Scotland’s fault, and would be entirely unfair if the English had to put up with them for the rest of their lives. “I absolutely cannot allow a situation where I share a stronger national link with Gerry Adams than Tony Blair”, added Nick Clegg

The Republic of Ireland is also thought to favour such an outcome; sources have described major concern developing within Kildare Street of being “stuck with those Nordy w*nkers” should the UK be divided.