They say that in times of great hardship, even the best of enemies can find common ground and develop a cordial relationship. At least, I say that. A terrific example of such newfound kinshippery came just yesterday, when English Defence League and Isis came together to issue a joint press release to address the horrific terrorist attack which occurred in Manchester two nights ago.

As I’m only an internet journalist, I haven’t actually verified the authenticity of this document, which is reprinted below in full. I haven’t even read it if I’m honest; I’ve been mostly focusing on coming up with a nice clickbaity headline. The one I came up with contains the buzz words ‘terrorists’ and ‘racists’, which should somewhat grab the attention. I then threw in a hint of sex with the ‘get in bed’ nonsense, which should see the headline catch the eye of terrorists, racists and perverts. Which seems to have worked, given that you’re reading this. Thanks!

Dear western infidels patriots people,

We would like to put on record the great joy we experienced upon discovering the bomb attack in Manchester on Monday night.  We celebrate mourn acknowledge the loss of dozens of lives, lives which have been given to aid a great cause. Despite what the fake news media and the fake Muslim Council of Britain with their fake statements may want you to think, this was not just an attack by a few Warriors of Allah c*nts men. It was an attack by the whole of Islam, striking another blow against the western dogs  innocents people.

The only reasonable response, therefore, is to blame all Muslims and immigrants, and especially Muslim immigrants, for the victory  atrocity bomb. Forget about the fact that all the recent glorious  terrorist big attacks on British soil have been committed by British-born people, this is trite and unimportant. What is untrite and important is to stand up to immigrants, and make them feel unwelcome. Blame them for everything-bombs, Brexit-related inflation, the fact that they’ve got a job when you haven’t. Ignore the fact that their getting a job through a second or third language should make you feel ashamed of your own stupidity.

Instead, channel this stupidity into hatred. Hate the immigrants and make them feel unwelcome. Also, hate the Muslims who are already here. If we continue to foster an us-against-them atmosphere, it will greatly help us in our ultimate aim of recruiting disaffected youths to strike back at the society which has spat them out  making as many brown people as possible feel unwelcome and disaffected, and take back England for the English through unspecified means driving people apart.

Also, if any Muslims are reading this, take up arms and in the name of Allah strike back at the heathens  go home, and I don’t mean to Leeds or Bradford, or wherever you were born everyone hates you. Just as we wish all westerners to blame all Muslims for these attacks, we call on all Muslims to see the westerners as being of one mind, ideally that of an English Defence League member.

Glory be to Allah  God the big fella upstairs, who definitely exists, and who isn’t just an imaginary person created to subjugate people, and trick them into doing stupid stuff.

We remain,

English Defence League

Dáire McNab