A recent study has revealed that a whopping 75% of Irish males currently attending second and third level institutions never learned to blow their nose.

“This is a finding which is unlikely to surprise anyone”, researchers commented. “Anyone who has ever sat in the college library, the canteen, the train, or indeed anywhere one might try to catch up on a bit of work or rest their eyes, will know of this plight”.

Our reporters took to the streets of Galway to ask young lads to comment on the findings.

“That’s for soft lads”, one outspoken gentleman stated matter-of-factly. Puffing indulgently on what he insured us was “a rolly”, the youngster and self-confessed hard lad taught us some tricks of the trade.

“Loud and guttural. Loud. And. Guttural. You want to strike the fear of God in to those around you. If no one turns around and looks at ya after a good snort, you’re not doing your job”. The youngster, who eventually identified himself as “Young Timmy”.

“When you blow your nose, you’re blowing the snot out of your body. What that says to me is, you’re too much of a soft lad to fight your own battles. You want the snot inside you. Deal with it yourself. And by God when you suck it back into the back of your head, you’ll throw it a few slaps. Otherwise what kind of man are ya like? Be careful that’s all I’m sayin” continued Timmy.

“I’ll show you what I have in my pockets” said a passer-by who spotted our interview with Young Timmy and took it upon himself to chime in with his words of wisdom. Older and wiser than Timmy at 35 years of age, the man revealed himself as “Stephen in the Centra there up the road. Ya, that one”.

“I have: my pack of fags, my lighter, my phone, my wallet, some spare change, and some chewing gum. Now where, where I ask you, am I going to put a tissue?”

Admittedly, Stephen was a charismatic speaker. “I’m a man. And as a man, I need certain things. And these things are in my pocket. I don’t have time for girly shit like tissues”. At this point, Stephen unleashed a near earth shattering snort, before promptly spitting on the ground.

Later that day, we met John from Athlone. “My auld lad never taught me to blow my nose. Sure, when would he have had the time?” When asked if he thought the sound of snorting might annoy people, he dismissed the question as “shite”.

Researchers have recommended that anyone who finds the noise of young men violently snorting snot to the back of their face in any way irritating, to carry earplugs or earphones at all times, avoid the Ag Science building in UCD, and Mayo.

James Simcox