Flying anarchists. White winged devils. Absolute bastards. These are just some of the names given to one of Dublins worst groups: Pigeons! investigates the dark underground world of one of the largest and troublesome groups in Dublin City.

These pieces of shit with wings are one of the worst things about walking around the city centre, and that’s including the countless junkie couples wandering around screaming at each other dramatically as if they were starring in a drugged-up version of The Notebook. It kind of looks like this but with less teeth and extremely annoying, loud voices….

Crime, drugs and fights all plague Dublin city, but nothing puts people in a more uncomfortable mood than a flock of pigeons hanging around O Connell Street like a gang from The Wire. They wander around the streets of the city centre like they own the place, hiding out in dark alley ways and giving you the side eye, all the while while attempting to grab sandwiches and 99’s off unsuspecting victims like the merciless monsters that they are.

Their intimidation tactics are second to none. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you are walking past a pigeon, unsure whether it will move out of the way. The panic you get when you see it do a little hop, readying itself for that terrifying leap up towards your face. A perfect example…

What other birds makes you walk around them, all the while making you feel like a bitch for standing down to it? None other than those vindictive arseholes. Even kids arent safe….

I had my own run in with one of those feral creatures two years ago.  It happened as I casually walked to the shop with my friend only a hundred metres from my house. I had just commented on how pigeons are the worst things about Dublin and suddenly I felt a scratch across the top of my head and a pigeon landed just in front of me! It turned as if to say, “What are you going to do about it” before flying off towards its next victim probably. I expect the nightmares and thoughts I still have about that incident are the equivalent to soldiers coming home from war with PTSD.

Ever since that day, I have realized the problem Dublin has with these dangerous creatures and the negligence the Gardai have about the issue. When I called them up after the horrific incident they told me to “fuck off and stop wasting our time”. This brought me to the completely logical conclusion that pigeons and Gardai must be all in it together.

There must be something done about it soon or these things will take over the city, starting with the streets and silently moving all the way up to the Dail. People will give out about Leo Varadkar, but you will be longing for the days he was in charge when you see a 14-inch grey bird address the country and meet foreign leaders.

People need to be more aware of this very real threat of these things that casually shit anywhere they want. These tyrants need to be stopped before they take over the country.

John McAuliffe