We all like to believe in fairy stories; in the possibility of magic, the possibility of somehow fulfilling ambitions beyond our apparent potential. Well, we appear to be collectively witnessing some sort of real-life fairy tale where a sort of scarecrow fashioned from stale chicken nuggets and apathy has risen to become the leader of the world. Thankfully, like all good fairy stories, it appears to be slowly coming to an ignominious end in an ever-thickening web of internal investigations and calls for impeachment.

Donald Trump has yet again moved to distance his administration from the leaks that have tarnished its once impeccable reputation in recent weeks. Several anonymous sources from inside the White House have leaked information to the press claiming that a number of Trump’s top aides had surreptitious contact with Russian intelligence agents in the build-up to the election. There has also been significant criticism levelled at Reince Priebus, Donald Trump’s chief-of-staff, for potentially incriminating contact with the FBI whilst they’re conducting an investigation into the alleged connections.

It’s a real shame,” said a source in the White House who refused to be named, “this whole culture of leaking. It’s difficult to know who can be trusted anymore round here. It seems that as soon as you say something to anyone, you’ll be reading it back to yourself in tomorrow’s papers. Like, say when the whole leak thing first came out, Donald said to us that the only leaks that happen around here are the ones that he gets Russian women to take on his face. Now that was just a bit of, admittedly honest, banter amongst an exclusively elderly, white male peer group, and then all of a sudden. Headlines around the world… I honestly don’t know how the information gets out!” Our anonymous source then thanked us for the opportunity for an interview. 

Trump has vehemently been trying to disparage the authenticity of the leaks through his press secretary Sean Spicer, who seems to be, visually and acoustically, the genetic product of what would happen if a morally bankrupt bulldog fucked a boombox. Trump has also taken to Twitter to launch a somewhat bizarre tirade seemingly attempting to undermine the leaks. 

Mr. Trump has announced plans to at some stage relocate the Trump diaper manufacturing plant to the US from Mexico, as part of his bid to revitalise American manufacturing.