Employees across the country will arrive into work this morning to boast of their apocryphal plans to ‘give up the sauce’ for the forseeable future, after over indulging with alcohol on the national holiday. Similar platitudes are well associated with the likes of Christmas and New Years, but without having to face the prospect of work the day after.

‘That’s that for me now lad, fuckin’ dying’ was the quote from most call center workers in the canteen.

Meanwhile, employers continue to questions the veracity of St Patricks claims to have banished snakes from the land having received calls from their employees claiming that they are ill and unable to come into work. This new breed of Serpentes, commonly referred to as ‘shnakes’ or ‘Snakey Cunts’ are known to be some of the bolder of the snake breed, with the ability to throw together a convincing fake doctors note.