I couldn’t believe it, I was just staring at my phone, being like, why has he sent me a Dick pic?” said Felicity Barnett, the woman at the centre of the unfolding scandal.

Ms. Barnett said she met the celebrity, who cannot be named for legal reasons, several months ago at a charity dinner. “I’d been working at the bar and we got chatting as he was ordering drinks. He asked for my number, and I mean, how could I say no to Marty Whelan* [*REMOVE NAME FROM QUOTE BEFORE PUBLISHING].”

Things started off pretty normally, we met up a couple of times, would text most days. Then… well I was out buying a loofah and some Bovril and felt my phone vibrate. I opened the message and suddenly I… there was just a Dick staring back at me. I thought it’d be best to ignore it, but he didn’t just send me one Dick me pic, he was sending me like dozens of photos of different Dicks.”

At this point in the interview Ms. Barnett, despite my protests, took out her phone to show some of the messages she’d received. “See,” she said scrolling through a sizeable folder labelled ‘Dick pics’, “dozens and dozens of pictures of Richards. Pretty much every one you could think of, Richard Branson, Grant, Hammond… even Wagner!”

He was sending them at all hours. Each time I heard my phone buzz I knew what’d be waiting for me- well, this type of thing,” she gestures toward the screen, which is displaying a somewhat hazy image of what looks like entrepreneur and beard-vessel Richard Branson rubbing Brylcreem on an owl.

Dicky Branson, styling an owl.

I don’t even know how he got some of these, like this one, it’s a picture of Richard Dawkins scattering the ashes of a racehorse in a meadow… like, did he follow all these Richards himself to get these photos or like, did he hire someone?”

Some of the pictures of the various Dicks are simply too obscene for publication, however most are simply too dull, such as the picture of a young Richard Nixon opening up emotionally to a Russian car salesman, or a photograph of Richard Grant teaching a deaf child to fly a kite.

When questioned about whether she’d be taking the matter to the police, Ms. Barnett said that she would eventually, however she had 3 other interviews with other media outlets about her ordeal to complete first.