‘Have you thought about Mars?’ asks Ryanair

In their latest campaign to avoid refunding cancelled flights since the beginning of March this year, Ryanair, the extremely low budget to the point where people wonder where their money goes airline have announced a new set of holiday destinations that customers can choose to select in lieu of receiving a full refund.

The airline, which just last week called on the Irish government to scrap “ineffective visitor quarantine” has announced new and exclusive destinations in an attempt to circumvent the Health Service Executive’s recommendations and “get things back to the good ole days where all we had to worry about was undermining the character of any staff that called us out for the working conditions we subjected them to,” a press officer said.

Mars, Atlantis and the great city of Ba Sing Se are all included in the “Back in the Air” post-pandemic package starting at €299.99 per person flying, and that’s just the cost cutting option.

“We want to show our gratitude and give long-time customers the opportunity to use the money they’ve already spent on flights to England or France or Spain and offset that against the cost of travelling to what can only be described as fantastical destinations,” said Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary.

New features have been added to each Airbus to allow for the new interstellar, sub-aquatic and in some cases inter-dimensional travel, with the costs being absorbed through the tax deductible loopholes in the system. “Legal jargon was never my strong suit, but I know it will be a cold day in the Tartarus before they see me return money on a cancelled flight.”

“Passenger safety is our highest priority, and I want to assure all our returning customers that personal protective equipment (PPE) is not only available but required prior to check-in and can be purchased at a relatively small add-on,” he said. What passengers may be interested to know that be “relatively” O’Leary was referring to the price being relative to his net worth, which according to Irish Post, is only €865m. “We’ve got to make money to keep the lights on somehow.”

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