Michael Buble? Taylor Swift? Come on, we can do better than that.
It’s that time of the year when we find out what pop megastars’ fans are going to be flooding the capital this Summer as the annual Croke Park concerts are announced.
It was announced this morning that the first of those coveted slots will be filled by Canadian crooner Michael Buble, with Taylor Swift strongly rumored to also play her own Croker gig next Summer.
But seriously, is Tay-Tay and 2017’s equivalent of a giant Christmas elf; is that the best we can do?
We at Oxygen.ie say not a chance. Sure, belting out ‘Shake It Off’ with 80,000 other people might seem like decent craic, but these gigs should be aiming to become the stuff of legends, not just an ordinary concert.
We are proposing that any of the following five acts be given a chance to take stage at Croke Park this Summer, confident in the fact that they would put on a show Ireland would never forget.
Dustin The Turkey
A national treasure for well over 20 years, we’re just surprised that Dustin hasn’t already played Croke Park before? The man has six Irish number ones for crying out loud!
With a collection of hits to choose from (we might just forget about the whole Eurovision fiasco), it’d only take him a few seconds before Dustin would have 80,000 eating out of the palm of his… feather?
Remember 32 Counties? No? How about Rat Trap? It doesn’t matter if you don’t because you’ve just paid €80 to see a puppet. There’s something that just seems magical about it.
You’re paying for top-notch crowd interaction and grade A vocals. He might be lacking a bit in terms of stage presence, but if Bubbles can get away with it, why not Dustin?
For some reason, the Irish seem to have an odd fascination with country music.
That became very clear when the whole Garth Brooks fiasco ocurred not too long ago. We all know what happened though; the gigs were cancelled and country fans were left waiting for the next opportunity to take their cowboy hats out of the attic.
Enter: Nathan Carter.
He’ll be known to many people as simply ‘That lad who sang Wagon Wheel’ but we ask is that not enough?
There is simply a big, country-shaped hole that was left by Garth Brook’s and the situation that followed and we believe Nathan can fill that. Probably.
If nothing else, it’ll be fans chance to stick it to the residents who dared try and silence country music from Drumcondra. If you really want to piss off the locals though, there is only one group you need to look towards…
Cannibal Corpse are an American band, most notably known for being one of the most popular death metal groups in the world.
See where we’re going here?
With colorfully-titled songs such as ‘F****d With A Knife’, ‘A Skull Full Of Maggots’ and the simply named ‘I Will Kill You, what better away to enrage those pesky local residents and express your anger towards them then with this cheery bunch of lads?
We do admit that while there is a thriving metal community in Ireland, it may not be expansive enough to fill a venue like Croker but if you market it the right way, who knows?
Encourage everyone to let their hair down for a day; go crazy, push someone, have a mosh. Just go wild.
Kind of like that movie The Purge, only a lot louder. We’d be well up for it.
The Artane Band
This is kind of another case of undoing an injustice that has been around for far too long.
The world-famous Artane Band are no strangers to GAA HQ, having played there more than any other established artists but have always been just the curtain-jerkers (don’t laugh, be mature).
All of these times being little more than a support act to athletes, why shouldn’t they be given a headlining slot in acknowledgement of their years of hard work?
Just think of the setlist; 80,000 belting out Amhrán na BhFiann…. that song they play during the parades… the one with the trumpets?
Okay, it looks a bit bare bones at the moment, but give them the Spring to prepare and we know they won’t let us down.
We believe it’s time for Ireland to move into the 21st Century and what better way than to invite 2Pac to Croker?
After a famed appearance at Coachella 2012, Pac has remained strangely quiet. Is he working on a new album? Taking time out to deal with personal matters? Who knows?
What we do know is that if we were able to convince him (or it?) to come to Ireland for a one-off show in Croker, it’d go down in worldwide history.
Why wouldn’t we want to be apart of something so big? Taylor Swift is ordinary, Michael Buble is boring but 2Pac’s Hologram – that’s the kind of stuff that these days are made for.
At the very least, there’d be more life in the performance than The Script. It’s possible.