Console headquarters to reopen as lavish theme park

In the wake of the scandal surrounding disgraced charity Console, whose name has been permanently blackened by the revelation that its founder Paul Kelly was embezzling money, the charity has today announced that they want to close this dark chapter in their history and reinvent themselves as a luxurious holiday home and amusement park. The new venture, to be called Dolla Land, will feature the world’s first roller-coaster with Rolls Royce cars on it, a five-star restaurant serving fresh lobster and champagne and a marble fountain that squirts out $50 notes at random intervals throughout the day.

When a representative of Paul Kelly was asked to explain how the organisation will afford to buy all of the materials needed for such a venture, they replied, “don’t worry about that, we already have all of that stuff here for a while anyway”.

Console''s Paul Kelly

Paul Kelly, seen here perched upon his amassed hoard of jewels and gold bullion.

The elaborate setup apparently existed in the extremely large and secretive back garden of the Console headquarters for five years without the public knowing anything about it. It is also suspiciously blurred out on Google Maps by a mosaic which looks uncannily like Mother Theresa. When we attempted to contact Google for a statement on this matter, we were unable to reach an operator and instead were asked to repeatedly dial 1, 2 or 3 (depending on what our query was), with every option ending with a computerized voice instructing us to “Google it” before hanging up.

Paul Kelly has stated that stated that all profits from Dolla Land will be going to the people who need it the most. Listed among these are some disgraced bankers, the now unemployed ex-president-cum-dictator of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak and a car salesman named Jerry Anderson who heartbreakingly crashed his favourite yacht earlier this year and was lucky to escape with his life intact and who also definitely never used to play golf with Paul Kelly.

Meanwhile, Mr. Kelly, who has been relying on an increasingly bizarre list of excuses and loopholes for his despicable behaviour, yesterday stated in court that the embezzled money was “just resting in my account” and that “charity begins at home”. The judge then pointed out to Mr. Kelly that it was not permissible to mainly use random phrases from TV in lieu of a defense and recommended that he hire a solicitor. It is understood that Mr. Kelly is now looking through court archives for a copy of an ancient Irish law which apparently rules that all charity does in fact have to begin at home, hoping to give credence to his new defence that, “the bigger the home, the bigger my home, the better charity we have to give”. So far Kelly has not had any luck with finding proof that such a law ever existed, although he has apparently come across seventeen copies of “Murphy’s Law”, five copies of “The Law of Averages” and a law which “prohibits commoners from walking their sheep through St. Stephens Green”.

During a short interview with our reporter at Mr. Kelly’s house this morning, Kelly said that the reason he has not yet been able to find a copy of the law is “probably because the RA got the Four Courts blew up in the 1920’s”. When asked to elaborate further, he appeared to become confused and muttered something unintelligible which ended with “sure you know yourself” before loudly slamming his bathroom window shut, drawing the blinds and moving to another bathroom in a different wing of his house for more privacy.

The case is ongoing.

Bobby Madden