Ridley Scotts latest epic, and it is an epic, Exodus Gods and Kings, is out on St. Stephens Day. We got to see a preview of the screening, so here’s what we think.

It’s one hell of a spectacle

This is one of those movies you have to see in the biggest screen you can find. Middle row, right in the center, you know yourself. Some of the effects are a sight to behold. The parting of the Red Sea, the plague that God puts upon the Egyptians, you can’t fault this film for size, that’s for sure. Yet, despite all that, it’s everything that happens around it that had us perplexed and awed by this movie…

The Casting

We all know that the Egyptians and Hebrews were, historically…Egyptians and Hebrews. Trouble is of course, we rarely see members of those particular ethnic groups saunter down red carpets, for what ever reason. So, how do you counteract this flagrant inequality in that cushioned world of celebrity life? Simply give some well known Caucasian actors a grubby fake tan of course! Come on, we all know Egyptians can’t act! It’s a strange sight to see American actors looking slightly half-cast and speaking with a half-English accent.

Also, you know the character development isn’t what it should be when you can’t help but wonder why Jesse Pinkman is after becoming a monk. Breaking Bad star Aaron Paul does nothing in the movie except refuse to shave and follow Batman around.

Then of course, there’s the real star of the movie. The Alpha and Omega 3, the Sega Mega Drive himself. God. In one of the most inspired pieces of casting in recent times, God is portrayed, quite convincingly, by a tantrum-prone 8 year old. If he doesn’t get his way he kicks things and screams, and when he’s not wiping snot from his nose he’s wiping out entire populations. For a film that’s meant to be an accurate portrayal of Biblical events, this is a glorious bit of piss-taking by Ridley Scott.

The Cheese…Oh the Cheese

The makers were obviously looking to make this film as family friendly as possible for the Christmas market. No problem with that at all. There’s little blood-shed, only tenuous references to sex and any violence is noticeably sanitized. However, gay stereotyping? Oh just lather it on there, Ridley. There’s a scene where Moses meets with Viceroy Hegep, leader of Pithom who is, for whatever reason, incredibly camp. He as good as offers Moses a blow job when he’s leaving.The characters sexual ambiguity (or lack thereof) is played solely for comic effect. Perfect for a Bible movie I suppose. Then there’s the writing, the cliched nonsense and done-to-death action tropes, the costumes which deliberately try to distract you from everything that’s missing and wrong around them, the selective accuracy of just about anything that happened. If you’re looking for something mind-numbingly shallow that refuses to take any risks and wastes an opportunity to take advantage of some fascinating source material – then go see the Hobbit movie. But Exodus Gods and Kings ticks all those boxes also.

In Summary

This film is a load of bollucks. I thoroughly enjoyed it.