Avuncular TV personality Raymuel “Ray” D’Arcy has been all over the news again this week. For once it’s not because desperate nostalgiavores are trying to force him to re-present a TV programme we’re pretty sure ended years ago.
Rather, he has finally published his controversial autobiography, an erotic memoir which explicitly details all of his sexual encounters in and around RTE, entitled “Fifty Shades of Ray”.
The 300-odd page tome contains over seven thousand encounters, running the full gamut of human perversion from auto-erotic asphyxiation to zoophilia. There are also many cameos by famous faces from the RTE past and present, including a shocking appearance by Brian Dobson as a submissive, foot-fixated furry. You will never watch the news the same way again when you hear what he’s wearing under the desk.
“Basically it just seemed like a good time to cash in,” explained Mr D’Arcy, “What with the recession and all. To be totally honest, lads, the funds have been light ever since I got relegated to Radio, and I’ve no chance of getting back onto the after-school slot, since they replaced me with those two lovely birds in short shorts. Also the price of glue has gotten totally out of control!”
The story begins with D’Arcy’s first day at RTE, where he was lured to a back room by the bloke who controlled Bosco, gaffer-taped him to the wall and “introduced to the pleasures of DeSade” while a gang of gofers gawped.
“Seriously man, who do you think the sickest fuck in RTE was?” laughed D’Arcy, while squirting the last of his tube of Xtra-Strong Superglue into a bag and huffing mightily “One of the rich, famous dudes with hot and cold running coked-up slags? Or the guy who spends his whole working day fisting a child clown in half?”
Point made, Ray waved his bag around aimlessly and started reeling off his favourite bits from his autobiography, unasked. “Tying up Anne Doyle and covering her in gravy was a definite highlight,” panted the diminutive Kildareman, “So was the time I took a bath in Rancheros with the two best looking Roses of Tralee, and one of the manky looking ones from Canada or wherever. Good times!”
It wasn’t all plain sailing; as our mate Ray went on to detail some of the humiliations he suffered during his torrid, submissive relationship with a cabal of Radio-ey guys lead by Ian Dempsey. He finally decided it was time to seek some sort of help after paying Sonia O’Sullivan four thousand euros to slap him around with her Olympic Silver medal while Larry Mullins from U2 played a drum solo on Minister for Health Dr James Reilly’s fat chops.
“That was only two weeks ago, too!” cackled Ray “So this book is up to date. Hey do you see those faces in the wall? Purple demons scourge my kindness, crackers…” he then trailed off into silence, clutching his bag.
The Spanner sought comment from his closest friends, Zig, Zag, Dustin and Socky, (all of whom were suspiciously absent from the book) but were told that we couldn’t speak to them because they are, apparently, “not real”, “puppets” and “what the fuck is wrong with you, mate, have you been on the bag with Ray D’Arcy all day or something?”
Fifty Shades of Ray will be released next week.
There are also reports that several other celebrities are releasing tell-all erotic memoirs, so we can soon expect to see:
Fifty Shades of Jay, by Jason Zed
Fifty Shades of Tray: In the Upright Position, by Anne Airhostess
Fifty Shades of Pray, by The Pope
Fifty Shades of Bray, by Brent Pope
Fifty Shades of Neigh, by A. Horse
Fifty Shades of Michael Bay, by A. Slow-Motion Doveflying