To see back issues of The Spanner magazine turned by magic spells from paper into internets click here or on Tommy Tiernan's funny head...

Read the brand new Summer 2010 issue of the Spanner Magazine online now!

If you'd like to contribute to the next issue or The Spanner Ezine contact editor@oxygen.ie

The Government reveal their flood strategy...

It's funny when people who aren't us get hurt. Keep an eye on the kid at the bottom of the screen!

We wuz robbed! A nation pours out its photoshop anger at Thierry Henry...

This girl could teach Roy Keane a thing or two...

We reveal the real reason for this season's particularly dozy crop of recruits...

Audience member goes ballistic at Pat Kenny on Live TV. Hilarious!

Jedward becomes a reality worse than nightmare...

Ireland's top secret plan to plunder it's way out of recession revealed...

So apparently 99.9% of the internet is porn. One individual's quite marvellous attempt at cleaning it up...

Saluting the weird, wonderful and just plain sh*te in Halloween costumes...

You think Swine Flu is bad? It's nothing compared to the dreaded Man Cold!

People post a lot of really stupid things on facebook. The Spanner has trawled the web, well at least a couple of websites, to bring you some pure idiot gold...

Everyone's favourite hard right populists The Daily Mail have bedgrudgingly apologised for offending the gays...

Passing of celebrity touches a chord with usually heartless Irish male

Obama loses peace prize after Silvio takes it too far

Bert and Ernie from Sesame St. cover rap tune 'Ante Up'. Truly fantastic.

Embattled Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue cast a proud vote in favour of Lisbon last week, though it now appears he may have misunderstood the original reason for the referendum.

All you punk ass Rabbits better watch your backs when the Chicken Police are around.

...Successful applicants for jobs will have experience at working at high altitude, not be Polish or Romanian, or have seen that episode of the Simpsons where Monty Burns tries to block out the Sun...

Two big awkward wiry things battering the crap out of each other... and Tadhg Kennelly nowhere to be found... 

...The group’s non-partisan objective is to convince members of the electorate that if they don’t understand a modicum of the Lisbon Treaty’s aim or objectives, they may consider abstaining from voting...

...What Tallaght natives consider the cause for otherwise decent ordinary citizens to develop into these “igur’dhnt culchie bollixes” remains a mystery, however these reported concerns over the potential side effects of swine flu suggest they may perceive Gardai as a distinct, potentially pathologically induced, subspecies....

The Irish government have turned to Tv illusionist Derren Brown for help in fixing the economy. Start forming your lottery prediction groups now!

Trabolgan and Mosney eat your heart out. Spanner TV presents The Ultimate water slide. Most impressive.

If you don't want your boss saying GTFOOH then you better start LYFAO. We report on a shocking breach of netiquette.

The team everyone loves to hate have found a novel way to get around a transfer ban imposed on them by FIFA until 2011.

For dead-inside white collar workers all over the country this weekend’s Electric Picnic festival is their annual chance to release the true wild child within.

Ryan Tubridy will host his first episode of The Late Late show this week, but as The Spanner can exclusively reveal, no one actually gives a shit. Except for maybe his Ma.

Irish punter Seamie ‘Shtake’ Smith has spoken of his deep sadness and financial loss upon hearing of the death of US senator Edward Kennedy this week.

Troubled celebrity Kerry Katona has travelled to the North Atlantic country of Iceland in the mistaken belief that they had been paying her €300,000 a year to endorse oven chips.

Is there anything funnier than watching people hurt themselves? There is. Watching people dressed in giant animal costumes hurt themselves! mild sympathy reserved for the athlete who gets on this mascot's back...

...When questioned by a tearful Kevin as to the source of the family’s impending split, mother Sharon was blunt - “Well Kevin, there’s that one next door but if we’re going to be honest about it, it all started when we had you”...

...In the time it took Cowen to walk 300 yards down the street, finish his meal and return to his hotel, seven local businesses applied for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, banks in the area ceased lending and a local property development firm let go of most of its staff....

...Initially the nations were glad of the extra economic activity, but it is now believed that the continuous mornings of circumnavigating unconscious Irish louts, scraping vomit from statues and sweeping blood, urine and feces from the city streets is beginning to take its toll....

...McCourt famously described the misery of growing up in 1930’s Limerick, when grinding poverty and repressive catholic rule made it an even worse sh**hole than it is now....

...Brad Pitt has moved out after a furious bust-up with Angelina Jolie, centred around his decision to bring a lifesized cutout of himself to a recent awards ceremony in Los Angeles....

...As medical experts line up to tell us the spread of ‘swine flu’ is now inevitable, the cabinet have secretly agreed to turn the world’s problem into Ireland’s opportunity....

...Each year parents are put through their paces, sitting through an excruciatingly pointless narrative based around each letter in the alphabet, what the letter sounds like and what words start with it...

...The managing director of a major marketing and solutions firm this week nominated long serving secretary Marian Robbins as the recipient of the highest accolade granted to employees, a rigid slap to the rear end...

We probably got about 2% of the political references, but it was still really funny!

The leader of the al-Cheetah network, RhinO-samma Bin L-Adder-in says the reasons behind the swine flu epidemic of 2009 still exist.

If you've ever had to deal with pestering telemarketers or if you've spent your life getting nowhere with helplines and customer service departments, these videos are for you!

...With the arrival of Scandinavian and Norman invaders a thousand years ago, the Irish had the chance to rescue their bloodlines, but the Ice cold Northerners and Snobby French turned up their noses at our silage colognes and freckled third chins....

Noel told of how just last week his kids overheard him humming to himself in the shower, forcing him to kneecap one child whilst the other managed to bargain his way out of the situation by giving his father a half kilo of crack cocaine.

The source of the excuse was not revealed, however the investigators hired by this fine publication can reveal that one Joseph "Joe-r" O'Leary has uncovered what the Inspector had for so long covered up.

"The stage configuration, heralded as placing the band in the palm of the audience’s hand, allows for gripping laser and graphic displays while guaranteeing clear sightlines for all spectators....In addition, an extra 2,000 portacabins will be installed, to reduce toilet queues."

Sydney Roosters star Nate Myles is in hiding after he was suspended for using a hotel corridor as a toilet while drunk and naked.  JOCK.

“We had to arrange the mortgage on the fly, so to speak. I got hold of the bank on the mobile as we caned it across the countryside. Naturally, given the situation we were in, we weren’t exactly in a position to be haggling”, he said.

...The results showed that a lighting increase of even 10% caused individuals to immediately take a step back, revaluate the aesthetic integrity of the person they were until that point willing to have sex with, and in many cases excuse themselves from the situation...

"long story short, I opened it up and counted out seven tiny prawns in the whole sandwich. And not only that, but I forgot to buy a Twix for afterwards."

Made all the funnier by how seriously they take themselves!!  These 5 gems should both inform and amuse!!

...speaking privately to the Spanner over monkfish salads in Roly’s Bistro, Burns commented that his firm had in fact been largely unaffected by the recent fiscal downturn and the cuts were him just chancing his arm...

...evacuations have begun at a number of at risk properties throughout the country. The principle concern is to clear any site containing schools, crèches or paediatric medical facilities...

The Spanner reviews Public Enemies

6. Get a work face
Yes, you may be looking at Lady Gaga’s latest Twitters, but if you screw your face up really hard and stare intently at your screen, co-workers will assume you are in fact diligently concentrating on work

Healthy sized, 35f with an interest in cooking & fine cuisine seeks understanding m, 30-50 for fun times and maybe more. Loves children, animals.

Obese woman in mid life crisis seeks depressed man. Will sleep with him for companionship. Broody, but substituting children with cats for now

An unidentified source in Brussels told The Spanner that diplomats were unhappy that the Irish had been afforded such special having time set aside to discuss the evils of abortion As Gaeilge

Such is the pain and horror visited on patrons that several young people have committed suicide by jumping into the Boyne to avoid listening to the likes of The Stereophonics, Madonna and Bryan Adams.

“All we got was some fookin bent Mint Toothpaste, Lemon Soap and some shite called Lavender perfume. We did get some Aspirin but."

Mackmood Armoured-Dinnerjacket eschews the very notion of wearing turbans. With his sensible haircut, he can hide his small member in his fringe. However, the chest-mounted plasma cannon in his torso – where his heart should be – has to be hidden beneath a shirt.

It transpired that Mr. Kenny was not speaking figuratively when Richard Bruton walked into his office to find his leader with pants around his ankles, using a tape measure and electronic weighing scales

“Renard’s? Yeah I went there once. The bouncers were pricks, the pints were piss, Martin King started on me in the jacks and I got thrown out for being rude to Johnny Ronan. It’s no great loss.”

While some were hoping that Darren ‘Scag head’ Fletcher might take up the mantle, the young Scot managed to steer clear of the Caledonian Gait, or Trainspotting Syndrome as it is known in the medical community

We suggest the following: Bellow out “Holy Jesus, what a disgusting child! It’s so ugly!”. Then look at the mother and say “Mind, I can see where he gets it from! Haha!”.

Many questioned why such comparatively minor work might necessitate a fleet of heavily armored JCBs, scores of cheaply hired Arab labour, and a sizeable 'security' presence provided by a battalion of the Israeli army

Labour's Joan Burton said "we have been running novelty candidates for years, it’s just that nobody’s noticed. Come on, Pat ‘Rabbit’? Who has a second name like that? Ho Chi Quinn? Proinsias ‘The Human Beatbox’ De Rossa?"

Michael O’Shea, a 32 year old insurance broker who commutes to Dublin city from Celbridge every morning, has revealed that he is “really excited” about the chance to show off his new found love for the game of rugby during the upcoming British & Irish Lions to South Africa.

I have to say that Mr. Eminem has to start singing about some seriously offensive stuff to get his place back in my estimation. Maybe something about child abuse being great. Or a Maddie freestyle.

“We’ve had reasonable success with the tactic of shrinking the Fianna Fail logo. Less people are defacing our posters by shaping them into makeshift toilets. We consider this a major result”

Two Aussie chancers recruit the greatest tool of all-The Record Bag-and blag their way into many exclusive parties etc. They still can't get on the bus without paying though...

“I just want my boy to have all the things that I didn’t have growing up. And if that means zip-lining into the church courtyard from a blinged-out helicopter, flanked by two hookers dressed as sexy priests, then yes, that’s what I want for him"

He may guffaw condescendingly in the cinema when the warp drive fails due to a buildup of tachyon emissions instead of tetryon emissions, but the best way to get your head around Star Trek is to take a Trekkie by his costumed hand and let him show you the ropes...

Where our resident cuddly Auntie Rose West answers all your queries about love and life…

"There is absolutely no truth in these allegations. Tony don’t need no help in pulling. All he needs is a cool drink, a groovy tune and some hot chicks to watch him dance, as he sets the tone for the whole discotheque.”

A survey revealed that the Late Late’s consistent high viewership was due to avid television watchers falling asleep to the soporific tones of Kenny’s voice and failing to change the channel while they snoozed.

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO!!! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO!!! You don’t have to go…” sobs Stephen.

“This never usually happens”

What's the best way to send up a man who once told the son of a 9/11 victim that his father would be ashamed of him for his anti war views? By making a snazzy remix of one of his backstage freakouts of course!

Unnamed sources in the IRB have indicated to The Spanner that Quinlan will be severely reprimanded for his actions, claiming that “It’s all fun and games until someone loses a…ehm…well you get the picture.”

We were going to go with Martin King, who constantly has to put a bright face on absolutely shitty weather forecast, but there was the risk that people will be annoyed by his overly chummy style. We here in Fine Gael prefer a snooty drawl to a blokish, off the cuff style. Look at Enda Kenny and Richard Bruton.

OH MY GOD!!! NO NO NO!! I’M SORRY, JESUS CHRIST-FUCK-I TAKE IT BACK…AAAGGGHHGH TAKE THOSE ROSARY BEADS OUT OF MY ARSE

Cocktails in Ireland tend to be a total rip off. How can you possibly look cool without shelling out shedloads of chas on overpriced shite? By reading our cocktail recipes, that's how...

"You can’t be a part of spreading something like that, and nobody can hold that against us. Anyway, who wants Gardai on their bus in the first place?”

In March of this year, the Real IRA murdered two British soldiers and severly injured two Domino's Pizza delivery men. It is believed to be an objection to their policy of using pork products.

These days your average Joe Bloggs wants to know the victims of violent crime do to socialise, and whether the siblings of murderers are attractive

"With South Africa a finely balanced racial see-saw as it is, we are afraid that the arrival of several thousand Irishmen pissed on whiskey could tip the country into race war”

Religious police swooped on Today FM offices to discover the identity of the heretic responsible for the blasphemous representations of the sacred image of Ayatollah Al-Cowen on display in the national gallery...

“Well, the way we see it is that both ourselves and the Somalis have been left with few options other than piracy. We’ve both been failed by any sort of centralised government, not to mention the significant amounts of rum drinking involved in both professions”

I knew right there and then that this was the coolest thing since we smoked legal highs and watched Captain Planet on youtube. It was nearly as cool as talking about cartoons we had watched as children. Nearly as cool as laughing about Johnny Mneumonic

Now, they could have taken Brian O’Driscoll, who also puts putrid blue liquid in his body for money, but they chose someone who has a long standing association with the product

Using our intrepid investigative reporting techniques (bribing RTÉ runners with poor quality cocaine), The Spanner has managed to lay our hungry mitts on the greatest tabloid fodder since Tim Allen’s recipe for chloroform laced fairy cakes was leaked to The Daily Mail: RTÉ’s shortlist for Kenny’s chair.

“The Taoiseach doesn’t like being milked,” said Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern. “He usually does the milking. But it’s a cross he’s willing to bear. He thinks it’s only right, given that he’s well-fed."

Caoimhean O'Caolain: I know what to do. Rob banks.

Last Saturday was the first time Brian O’Driscoll became a ‘ligind’ and Paul O’Connell a focking ledge. However, being the sniping parochial types we are, it won’t be long before we’re back at each other’s throats.

“Take Cowen for example. He has a special branch detective at his side at all times whose only job is to lift fried foodstuffs towards his mouth. And he has another one for pints"

The authorities were horrified and disgusted to find a man who devoutly believed in limiting the freedom of his subservients. It is unknown why Benitez gave the name 'Josef Fritzl' to authorities.

“Mr. Cowen spent the evening of his first night vomiting into a white house urinal with his pants around his ankles, before insisting that he be driven around various fast food outlets to see if there ‘was a difference between here and home’”

Psychologists now believe this to be early manifestations of the psychosis which would later lead him into performing the ultimate evil: the illegal downloading of music

"The Irish like to drink. The Simpsons is shit. Tell me something I don’t know.”

Option 4: Stay in and watch the new Irish Simpsons episode!
You. Pathetic. Nerd.

The government are said to be ‘dumbstruck and delighted’ by the windfall from Ryan’s wages. A spokesperson told The Spanner that “his annual expenditure on cream cakes alone would run two national schools for 6 months…that’s a lot of cream”

Cowen was heard remarking at a picket outside Oxfam that “With the Irish economy the way it is we should be encouraging people to buy new and expensive garments.Not tweed pants that smell of piss.”

“You see, it’s not just the torturers who gain here. At blue collar level, we’ll need people to up the blood and tears. And the textile industry-we’ll need so many orange jumpsuits we won’t know what to do with them.”

The initiative has been roundly welcomed by scumbags, who are said to be delighted with the chance to listen to Ne-Yo, discuss rolling techniques, and boast about their sexual exploits at 30,000 feet

Ferguson was clearly delighted with his new signing's attitude, describing him as ‘Jaap Stam but better looking’

The Advertising Standards Authority is to question the board of Living TV, the television network running the series charting Goody’s demise. The confusion over the channel’s title is compounded by Goody’s own self-delusion, who has told friends “the television producers have said I’ll go on Living.”

“those feckin’ pretty boys made it clear last time out that they thought they could do much better than any trained professional. Who does Bono think he is? He really must have a God complex…I mean, how would he go about dismantling an atomic bomb?”x

Maxwell began his blog with:
“Now I’m not racist, or sexist, but this guy in front of me on the road today was definitely a black. Or a woman”

"What we did was basic police work: we looked at the two acts, starting fires and downloading kiddy porn, and decided that the only person evil enough to have done this must have been Irish bankers, the dastardly bounders.”

Late last night, a ruthless “Tiger” gang raided the Farranfore holiday home of investment fund manager Anthony Healey, 52, saddling themselves with up to €300,000 worth of negative equity

“I had to watch on while my peers had the traditional high-school fun;  Drinking, smoking weed, date rape…it was terrible.”

Depending on your sense of humor, you'll either laugh or feel revolted. We cracked up.

“I got in the door and there was my mother straddling the soundman from the T.V show she worked on. It’s funny, all I remember thinking was ‘That’s not what you do with the mic!’”

Growler himself had succumbed to other abuse before his death. He had been “gullered in” by the vicious tot using numerous paint markers, giving him an unnatural purple, pink, orange and blue coat. The pitbull had to maintain his abnormal hue for three hours before being found in the condition by the boy's father.

“People don’t understand that there’s a lot of prejudice out there when it comes to being a TBJL (Total Beast Jock Legend). I might be sitting in the library, studying quietly, when someone slags me because I should be out jumping on cars or playing soggy biscuit

Speaking from Belturbet, where he is judging a Puc Fada competition, Morrissey told The Spanner that he “understands some of the lads on the list being ahead of me. I mean, I know that I’m no Dave Fanning or Mark Little, but I mean George Hook? Come on!”

One highly strung City worker, Peter Shay, from Buckinghamshire, ended up “playing in the snow” all day by feeding his monstrous cocaine addiction rather than go to work.

“Should we win the award, we could expect droves of self obsessed, brooding, middle class goth and emo type teens. We know their parents them plenty of money to spend on badges with annoying phrases on them and posters of George Bush quotes."

"Then it hit us all like a sledgehammer. He’s from the ghetto, he’s black…surely he must have some connection to crack cocaine?"

After firing baby-seeking missiles into Gaza city and pure phosphorous into as many schools as possible the Israeli Defence Force decided to declare a ceasefire. Shortly afterwards, they released a pride of predatory lions into the territory.

"While people were miserable during the famine, they were largely clueless as to why they were so destitute, apart from vaguely blaming the English. Now, whenever people return from a job they may not have for long to a house they cannot afford, they are surrounded by reminders of all the useless crap they spent money on"

“The Irish have a word for a time like this: Geansaí. You Americans call this a ‘sweater’, but listen to the soft, Gaelic lilt of our word. It’s like a lock of jet black hair floating on a Galway breeze"

We were split down the middle over two different approaches-first, ‘Shut The Fuck Up and Buy’, and secondly ‘Please Buy Our Shit That You Don’t Need’

After this incident, Ronaldo is believed to have demanded a wage increase to £200000 a week. This is nothing to do with his footballing performances, but simply to enable him to pay his new insurance premium.

"You look at the powerhouses of the begging world, The Kolkata’s and The Mumbai’s of this world. I say it’s time to bite the bullet and sever that leg, blind that eye, or crazy up that mind a little bit. Nothing gets money out of people’s pockets like sympathy and fear.”

Beverly finally agreed to share the secrets of her life with The Spanner on the condition that she cover herself at all times with a veil of the finest Chinese silk to avoid eye contact, and communicate solely through a lackey

“Robot is deeply sorry for the pain Robot has caused to Robot’s Wife, and to Robot’s three beautiful children Offspringbot X-0, Daughtetron and Billy. Robot also apologises to the puny humans who placed so much faith in Robot by electing it to this great office.”

“I’m telling you this now because I’m afraid that the low immunity I’ve been suffering might be down to my infidelities,” Santa admitted. “I fear that I may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease. And I think that this is the best forum through which I can warn my conquests about the possibility of infection.”

However, even in a country where nobody can afford footwear, the children were still laughed at for wearing such bent shoes, and quickly ditched them in a burned out car at the first available opportunity

By August, we were only having beluga caviar once a day and we had to let some of our butlers go. It was awful, we had to lift our golden goblets of Cristal to our mouths ourselves for a while

As previously reported by The Spanner, Barney and Friends will be recruited to explain to the Irish voter that there will not be any aborted foetuses parachuted onto Michael Collins’ grave should they decide to pass Lisbon.

2 time UK beatbox champion Beardyman offers his take on celebrity chef phenomenon by mixing in a bit of his own phenomenon. Even if you think you wouldn't be into this, it's worth a look...remember, it's all coming from his mouth...

“Many Irish people who had been hoping to have a traditional ham or false allegation levelled against them over Christmas are going to be left disappointed."

“I am Irish man, look at me, I must wait for nail paint to dry before I crush bricks. I cannot use mouth like cement mixer. Look at how easily glass cuts my soft, soft hands."

Roy has to realise that He isn’t the benchmark for all of humanity, much less so the various spirits assembled in heaven.

Only in America. To Catch a Predator is one of the most popular show in the US, and we can see why. Naked paedophiles? Check. Entrapment? Check. Trial by Nielson rating? Check. Give the people what they want. And they want quivering paedos.

“You can’t blame me for seeing the similarities between myself and Fiddy. He first appeared on my radar with his 2007 single ‘I get money’, which mentions the word ‘money’ a restrained 22 times in the first 25 seconds of lyrics"

"A wedding booked for McDonagh and Connors. I mean, it was inevitable in many ways that the hotel would be destroyed and 170 people killed."

The film, based on the 1981 IRA hunger strikes in the North's Maze Prison, features scenes of emaciated hunger striking prisoners spliced with clips from the Shreddies breakfast cereal ad with the soundbite "hunger strikes!!"

The government department for the Abolition of Vulnerable Citizens was keen to stress that only ‘obstructive’ forms of begging were to be discontinued and that it was in the process of putting together a manual for beggars on begging dos and don’ts.

Some estimates say that our bankers are down to smoked salmon three times a week. 'we're not looking for a handout, just for a chance to become dependent on US banks again' 

He went on to espouse the view that even if a hostile group held control of the same island and his life was in jeopardy “it would be worth it just to give her a good shafting.”

While it may seem oddthat Piracy be allowed to fund banking, many Irish people canvassed by The Spanner expressed strong preference for the financial stewardship of a one-eyed maniac to that of a cocaine-fuelled banker

"What’s a US beakey? Oh, do you mean the special pens? Yes, what we do is, we put a special pen ban on them. The staff aren’t allowed to come into the bank carrying the special pens. I don’t trust the special pens"

RTE has announced that this week’s instalment of their much loathed ‘Livin’ with Lucy’ programme will dramatically feature host Lucy Kennedy sharing a caravan with the decomposing corpse of Joe Dolan. Ceejay Haitch has more...

Eddie visited Finance Minister Brian Lenihan in a special episode of Show Me the Money, dubbed “The Eddie Hobbs School For TDs Who Can’t Budget Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too”

Michael McDowell, whose hobbies include making Airfix models and collecting stamps, was a bitter pill for voters to swallow

"The men’s toilets are absolutely covered in whizz. And when I say whizz, I’m not talking about urine.” The source then tapped his nose and winked. “You know what I’m talking about.”