There’s really nothing like a good, old-fashioned gaffer, is there?
Everyone has fond memories of their youth, hearing the glorious news somebody’s parents going away for the weekend and thinking two simple words instantaneously: House. Party.
Unlike the pub or nightclub, you manage to have a good time without emptying your bank account and unlike cans in the park, you’re able to stay warm and not get bothered by those pesky Gardaí.
You can talk to your friends, people you haven’t seen in while and those random strangers that just apparate out of nowhere and actually hear them too!
Yes, there’s a lot to praise house parties for, and they also serve as the meeting point for different types of people, behaving in uniquely different ways. We’re sure you’ll recognise most of the ten type of people you’ll see at every house party:
It’s a house party, people will drink and that’s fine. However, there will always be that one person who takes it a little too far.
You can often see the drunk shouting way more loudly than anyone would wish, fighting off unconsciousness on a nearby armchair or perhaps getting to know the inside of the toilet bowl on a more intimate basis.
Sometimes it’s entertainment, but more often than not the drunk is just someone that needs looking after, and takes away from the enjoyment of their designated minder of the night (and if this is you, well done).
By all means have a can, take a shot and enjoy yourselves but get a grip. You’ll be the talk of the party, but probably for the wrong reasons.
Gather around drinkers and dancers, for this man shall tell you a tale.
The storyteller possesses a unique quality you can’t learn, study, or take an exam in. It’s a God-given gift that the storyteller must use for the good of people around him.
He/She can manage to bring a room of unruly students to a quiet standstill, and make the simplest of stories, like the time him and Johnny went to the shops to get bread but they had none left, truly captivating.
You hang on their every word for more time than you ever intended to, but you don’t care. Listening to the storyteller at work is a privilege that you’ll treasure.
This one is a divisive character to say the least, and every one is different. You will always see one of them at every house party though.
If you haven’t nailed down the guitar, piano or even bongos, this person will grab them at the first opportunity presented and try and turn your party into his very own headline gig.
When it works though, it is amazing. When you’re drunk and in good spirits, there are few better pleasures then hearing the room burst together into song with the musician leading the charge.
However, if the musician happens to be out-of-key, obnoxious or even worse, play Wonderwall, the musician will be little more than a plague to the whole party that should be quarantined to the nearest, quietest corner.
Moral of the story; don’t be the dickhead that plays Wonderwall. Please
Technically two people and not one, but this couple might as well be one person when it comes to the situation we find ourselves in.
Not every couple is like this, but you always find the one who are completely inseparable. They arrive together, they talk together and they leave together with minimal interaction with anybody else.
Never mind the fact that house parties are designed to socialise with other people, and not the person you probably see every other day anyways, they are not leaving each other side.
Best just to leave them at it. You’d tell them to get a room, but you don’t want to deal with that either. Why can’t they just go home?
The One Who Has Work In The Morning
‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go?’. You can imagine this song is just playing on constant loop inside the mind of this poor soul.
There’s always somebody who has an early start in the morning, but still ventures out due to crippling FOMO, or just because they really are fearless towards the impending consequences of the next morning. Like that, they come in two types;
- The somewhat reserved one, fully committed on only sipping a drink or two before leaving at 12am precisely
- The one who pretty much just says ‘F**k it’ before partying as hard as everyone else, before letting the world know through Snapchat the next morning that the hangover might kill them
It’s a tough decision for anyone that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
The Generous One
Want a drink? This guy brought a crate, you can have one.
Want a spare smoke? This guy has a full pack, help yourself?
Short of money for the taxi home? This guy will spot you, no questions asked.
The generous one really is there for everybody. He really doesn’t mind, he has what you need and just wants to help you out.
Always a great person, and every house party who has this person in attendance is ultimately better off for it.
Every house party has one, and almost every house party hates them.
Music is something that every gaff needs, but it can often be divisive. ‘Luckily’, this gobshite has taken the burden of plugging his own iPod or phone in to set the soundtrack for the entire night.
It’s probably no coincidence either that the type of character who would choose to do this has awful, truly dreadful taste in music.
Pro-tip for any hosts: set a playlist that everyone will like, lock the device and tell everyone else to get lost. Or Spotify queues. Just hang the DJ.
The Clumsy One
Unless you have friends living in the lush suburbs of South County Dublin, chances are your party is going to be pretty cramped.
Which means you just got to be careful. Put your elbows away, don’t be running like a lunatic etc. etc.
Not this one though. With seemingly no spatial awareness or regards to their environment, they will be the one that leaves the host asking ‘why is there broken glass all over my kitchen?’.
Yes, accidents happen but you just can’t help but thinking this guy is a bit of an eejit. If you know this person is coming to your gaff, hide anything perishable in a cupboard and keep them a mile away from it.
Seriously though, where did this guy come from?
More often that not, they’re just a friend of a friend who managed to straggle along for reasons that aren’t very important or even relevant.
We’re not saying the stranger is a bad person, or should be subject to social exclusion; they can often turn out to be a nice person.
No matter how nice the are though, can you ever really trust them. They don’t know you, they don’t know your story. Poor stranger.
The Last Man Standing
The foil to ‘The Drunk’, there is always one who will keep going, never quit and be the last man standing.
It’s often very impressive. You’ve just drank 12 cans of Tuborg, a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and four shots of absinthe. You should be dead, not dancing away to ABBA songs at six in the morning.
While it’s a feat that must be commended, often if you’re the host you just want this guy to leave your house so you can sleep and ignore the carnage around you for a couple of hours.
Well done ‘Last Man Standing’ but the party’s over, the fat lady has sung and all good things must come to an end. F**k off.