Rumours are trickling down from Trump Towers that Donald Trump, in a Late Late Show-esque move, is to give a gun to ‘everybody in the audience’ during today’s inauguration.

Our sources claim Trump came to this decision when on the loo at 3am last Thursday. It is believed he was scrolling through Twitter and came across a GIF of a grinning Ryan Tubridy promising a hamper of bath-salts to all those in attendance at our favourite Friday show. Not having any bath-salts handy however, President-Elect Trump settled on guns, lots of guns.

When the idea struck he allegedly bellowed out “Trump has an idea!” before sending a hurried voicemail to his beleaguered secretary before liberally applying some Toilet Duck to the porcelain bowl, and tidying himself up. Indeed it has been suggested that he finds inspiration for most of his policies whilst on the toilet; he will reportedly gaze down at his own fetid pile of excrement before saying, “That, that is my vision for America”.

Donald Trump on toilet inauguration.

Donald Trump, pictured here laying down his plans that inspired him to ‘build a wall’.

It remains unclear what kind of guns Trump will be distributing, but this hasn’t stopped the fuelling of speculation in Texas, where the #IWantASemiAutomatic is trending.

The National Rifle Association (NRA) is yet to comment, but it is believed prominent gun-lover, Alex Jones, was heard climaxing across all 50 states of America- people are advised to remain indoors until this is over.

Either way, the Trump presidency looks set to protect an American citizen’s Second Amendment Right to bear arms. This law is over 200 years old, but is of course as relevant today as it was in 1791.

Rory O’Regan