It has been announced today that Michael Flatley is set to perform at Trump’s inauguration, raising the number of perma-tanned, fame-crazed narcissists in attendance by some 100%. As America waves goodbye to departing President Barack Obama and to the concept of social progress, Michael Flatley, to mark this historic occasion is set to do one of his notorious jigs on a specially designed ornamental grave in which is buried the concept of democracy.

It has been widely reported that President-Elect Trump has encountered serious difficulties in attracting A-list celebrities to perform at his inauguration, and with the announcement of Michael Flatley’s performance, we see no signs of that problem abating.

For much of the world it was difficult to imagine how Friday the 20th of January could get any worse, and Michael Flatley has apparently taken this to be a challenge, one which he has admirably risen to.

The ceremonial grave ‘pon which the twinkle-toed bigot will dance his merry jig has been carefully constructed and will feature a giant purpose built rotisserie in which a wax statue of George Washington will rotate throughout the performance, to simulate Mr. Washington spinning in his grave. As the waxy effigy of the ex-President slowly dissolves under the powerful heat of the rotisserie, Flatley will twirl away and do what he does best- desecrate the cultural history of a chosen nation through dance- on the mound of freshly dug earth, beneath which lie the tattered ambitions of everything that the rapidly melting First President had hoped to achieve with the foundation of America.

Mr. Flatley has been rather cagey about what type of dance will be performed at the ceremony, but he has loosely described it as ‘interpretive’, which we can interpret as meaning he has been given a metric shit-ton of cash to perform.